Whatever you chase after...you will become

New Blog

2012-01-17T11:09:00.001-06:00

I've started a new blog to talk about Our Year of Living Deliberately with our boys.

Would love you to join me there if you enjoyed reading my old blog.

If not, I wish you and yours all the peace in the world for 2012.

http://ouryearoflivingdeliberately.blogspot.com/

Updates

2010-05-28T08:45:00.002-05:00

Been a while since I've checked in here.

The job is going fine. Very busy trying to set up a brand new company. I don't seem to have as much down time as I did before but that is a good thing.

Boys are doing great. Patrick got a volunteer job at the Birmingham Zoo this summer so he is thrilled about that. Josh is all ready for summer camp, swim lessons and karate. Colin will be turning 2 in July and continues to crack me up every day.

I've started running again at least 3 days a week so that has been a huge help for me energy wise, stress wise, happiness, etc. I hate starting but once I'm in the middle of it I enjoy it. Plus, it is time for just me and my iPod and I can clear my head and think.

John and I are great. Celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in June. Hard to believe we have been married 10 years. I wouldn't re-do the first few years for all the money in the world. But, knowing now he is my best friend and knowing how much we have gone through to get to this point...just...wow.

Hope all is well in your world. I do check in and read from time to time...just not much updating on my end.

Have a great, long holiday weekend!

2010-03-09T10:37:00.002-06:00

I have quit my current job and my last day will be the 19th.

On the 22nd I start to open a new agency with my old boss. It will be just me and him at least through 2010 until we get settled and get things lined up.

I'll be taking a about a 2% pay cut but I'll be able to work from home one day a week during the summer months and possibly on into the fall, depending on how things work out.

I'll work 8-3 each day I'm in the office.

Very exciting to be in on the ground level of something that could potentially turn into something down the road.

Of course there is risk and I'm a little nervous but overall excited.

And, as always, it is just a job. It isn't my life or what defines me so if it fails then I start over. No big deal.

Nothing ventured...nothing gained?

2010-02-24T08:06:00.002-06:00

I got a phone call from my old boss on Monday. He wanted to know if I could meet him for lunch and "talk some business."

Interesting.

Well...we had lunch and it is definitely interesting. He has some stuff going on that he might want me to be a part of.

Can't really share too many details yet but needless to say, it is something risky but could be very beneficial in the long run.

It would give me more time with my kids so that is a definite plus.

But...it is risky. Did I mention that?

Lots of thought and prayer needs to happen on this one and unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of time to mull it over.

What I need is a huge sign from God that even I can't miss that tells me EXACTLY what I need to do with this one...

From Kelly's Korner--Show us Your Ministry

2010-02-19T13:05:00.006-06:00

Kelly made a slight change this week and instead of Show Us Your Life she asks for us to Show our Ministry. Here's mine...

My name is Kristin and I am a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with infidelity, pride and control issues.

I grew up in an average family. I can’t say that my childhood was horrific or that it was perfect. As a family we had our own hurts, habits and hang ups but nothing that I consider to have been a major influence in shaping how my life turned out. I was saved and baptized at seven years old.

I was a pretty good kid growing up and never really gave my parents that much trouble. I dated the same boy all through high school, made good grades, was a leader in our church youth group and basically did what was asked of me.

I received a full scholarship to the University of Montevallo and began my freshman year in August of 1993. College was a new world and I quickly realized I wasn’t home anymore. I pledged a sorority and began getting involved in a world that was completely foreign to me but exciting and something I enjoyed.

I did begin drinking and experimenting with drugs but I feel those never became issues for me. I could take it or leave it. It was never something that I feel I struggled with. Not to say I didn’t have my share of drinking stories but just not an issue that I feel I would say I struggled with.

My first year away passed rather uneventfully and I began my second year. The partying and drinking increased but again, I didn’t feel it was out of control. In fact, I was always the one who kept everybody else in line and usually ended up being the Designated Driver or put various friends to bed before they did anything to further make fools of themselves. However, as an adult and especially as a mother I look back now on some of the situations I placed myself in and cringe. I am extremely fortunate nothing worse happened to me.

One night a group of friends were in Birmingham hitting the local bars and we met up with some guys we all casually knew. One in particular paid me a whole lot of attention and brought me drink after drink. I had seen him around and felt like I kind of knew him so I trusted him and we spent the evening talking, drinking, dancing and get to know each other better. I take full responsibility for my drinking that night but the night ended in a way that shaped my views of relationships and sex for years to come.

I have vague recollections of that night but I do remember him driving my car and taking me back to his apartment. Things got physical and I do remember telling him “no” but I was so impaired from the alcohol that I didn’t have the mindset to be very forceful in my protests. That was my first sexual experience and later I remember feeling extremely shameful and not sure if this was date rape or I brought it on by my actions beforehand. I was 18 years old.

After this experience I became very reckless with my behavior and jumped from one guy to another for the next few months. I assumed that it really didn’t matter anymore since the fact that I had always waited for the “right” person was no longer an option. I put myself in extremely dangerous situations and am very fortunate that God didn’t allow anything else to happen to me. I began dating an older man and thought this relationship was finally going to save me.

I became pregnant 2 days before my 21st birthday and I was petrified. I told my parents and they were devastated but supported me. I married the man and quickly learned that most of the things he had told me about himself were all lies. Imagine waking up one morning and finding out every single thing your spouse ever told you was a complete lie. We divorced a little over a year later and I obtained full custody of my son.

Life chugged along with nothing major going on and I met my current husband. We married and I thought I finally had it all. The one glaring problem with our relationship was that he was married to someone else when I first met him. Again though, he was my ticket to happiness and a stable life so I plowed on ahead full throttle.

We now acknowledge we made several mistakes in the beginning of our relationship and hurt many people.

I had my second son about 2 years after we got married. My career had taken off and I was in the best place financially I had ever been in. We were by all accounts blissfully happy.

I had an ideal husband. Thoughtful. Handsome. Smart. Funny. A good Dad. And he would want me to throw in rippling muscles here too. From all outside eyes we had a great marriage. Compatible. Spent lots of time together. Took fun trips. Went on dates. Everything seemed perfect. Then it wasn't.

I never meant to have an affair. I honestly ignored all the signs and warnings until I was well in over my head and quickly drowning in deceit.
The reason our marriage almost failed was the strongest example I personally have ever had of how Satan works in our lives at times. I was this close to losing my marriage and my family over what I thought were greener pastures.

Only when I accepted I could not manage my life and completely turned it over to God did my circumstances change. Yes, I had to put in tremendous effort, but that beginning point…that surrendering to God is what started the ball rolling. Yes, there was hurt and immense pain, disappointment, anger, bitterness and an overwhelming sense of failure. But now I can say with complete certainty there is peace. I hadn’t had peace in such a long time. I have it now and I won’t do anything to jeopardize it again. My life is far from perfect but having peace again is something I value every single day.

I became close to someone in my office and a few conversations turned into long lunches, then spending more and more time together, then emails throughout the day, then an ongoing physical, emotional and mental affair that continued for 2 years. It got to the point I considered life without my husband and my children in order to continue to have this relationship. At one point I convinced myself that my children would actually be better off if I weren’t a part of their lives. This man had a wife and 2 wonderful children as well. Not only was I throwing away my children’s security and happiness but his children’s too. I had myself convinced it eventually would be better for everyone if we were together because then we would be so HAPPY. The myth of happiness that we let ourselves believe. The myth that Satan perpetuates in our minds.

My husband found out and confronted me with my affair on 3 separate occasions and each time I begged his forgiveness. I cried. I pleaded. I made all sorts of promises. I swore it would never happen again and every single time I failed. The definition of insanity…right? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. And every single time he said he forgave me and we tried to put it behind us. We didn’t go to counseling. We didn’t pray about it. We just said we were going to be okay and then we went right on along the same path and we couldn’t figure out why we kept getting the same results. We would take a fantastic trip together, just the two of us, and think that was the way to get our marriage back in focus. And each time we ended up back at square one. I distinctly remember one of those trips out of the country and sitting in this beautiful location at this beautiful restaurant and not having a word to say to each other. I wanted to be somewhere else with someone else and my husband knew it.

I put my marriage, my family, my career, my reputation and everything that mattered to me at risk for absolutely nothing. But, at the time, I thought it was everything and I couldn’t see past the facade of that relationship to see how much I was truly risking by being in it.

I remember walking in once on my husband, literally on his knees, praying, after I had yet again broken my promises and yet again been found out. I don’t know exactly what he was praying for. The ability to forgive? Strength? Courage? I actually laughed at him and remember saying, “Good luck with that…it doesn’t work.” I had allowed Satan to have such a stronghold in my life that I didn’t even believe in prayer any longer.

I would be driving home after work or a business trip, after spending time with this other man and thinking that I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. I didn’t want to feel convicted about what I was doing. I didn’t want anymore guilt. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not have to think about the consequences or feel remorse. I asked God once to just let me go. I was so angry and disgusted that I shouted out loud in the car, “LET ME GO…LEAVE ME ALONE” and I heard a barely audible voice reply so kindly and patiently “I can’t.” I have never audibly heard the voice of God until this day. And I felt a warmth and a peace and I wanted to give in to it but my will and my control won out and I pushed it aside…for a time.
I am very fond of a quote by C.S. Lewis: God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain. Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

About a year into my affair I became pregnant. I was almost certain my husband was not the father of this baby and I panicked. At this point my husband did not know I was having the affair. I told him I was pregnant and that I did not want to go through another rough pregnancy. He knew things weren’t right with us even though we hadn’t verbalized it yet. He agreed a baby was not a good idea. When he came home from work that day I had already called and made an appointment to have an abortion for the next day. I knew if I waited I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He went with me to the appointment and all along I let him believe it was his baby and we were making the right decision. This is one of the hardest things I have had to forgive myself of and I am still not there yet.

Even after this experience, I kept trying it my way. Even after sacrificing this child to cover up my sin I went right back to the other man. I quit my job to try and remove myself from seeing him every day and within 2 days of leaving I was seeing him again even more than when we worked together. I couldn’t break this bond I thought we had no matter what I tried to do.

I made a very weak attempt at seeing a professional counselor at one point and after talking to me and giving me some written tests she asked me if I had ever had a drug or alcohol problem because I had such high addictive behavior qualities. I remember walking out of her office and never going back because how dare she lump me into the same category as drunks and addicts. Little did I know I had an addiction to this toxic relationship the same as any drunk or addict ever had.

After being confronted a third time by my husband and him telling me he couldn’t do it anymore and he was leaving me, I remember talking to God and saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t seem to walk away from this other relationship even if it costs me everything. But, if you will help me get this person out of my heart and my mind and my life I’ll try but I can’t do it by myself. You have to help me.”
After I prayed this I made a decision to have no contact with this other person. I started out telling myself I would try to go a week and not call or email or see him. I honestly didn’t know if I could do it but I knew I was going to try and see what happened. I called and told him that if he had ever cared anything at all about me in the least he would walk away and never contact me again.

One week turned into a month…then 2 months then 6 months and so on. I made a promise to my husband that I would never hurt him like I had again and it’s a promise I intend to keep with God’s help. September 20th marked 3 years since I made that decision.

We started seeing a counselor together and we made an effort to do what it took…whatever it took…to heal our marriage. And it took a lot. It was work. It was not easy in the least and it still isn't. It is a daily affirming of our commitment to our marriage.

Here we are 3 years later and we are in a better place than we ever have been before. We are closer than we have ever been before. Yes, he still does things that I could break his neck for and I’m sure I do the same…but our stake is in the ground. We aren’t going anywhere. I begin my day each morning with a prayer thanking God for my husband, for my children and for peace again.
As an added blessing God chose to give me a 4th pregnancy and our beautiful Colin was born in July 2008. He will never replace the baby that I aborted but he is a constant reminder to me of God’s grace and forgiveness.

Not everyone has to go through something like this to understand God’s faithfulness but I’m hard headed. I have to crash into that brick wall before I learn God’s lessons.

It’s my prayer daily that God continues to strengthen my marriage and makes me into the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.

I tell you all this to assure you there isn’t anything in your life right now that is bigger than God’s grace and God’s faithfulness.

He has so many blessings he wants to pour out into our lives but we prevent him from doing so by our choices and sinful nature. It’s only when we surrender and tell him we place our burden in his hands that we can begin to heal and begin to experience the life he wants for us. Sometimes it takes 2 years…sometimes longer…but God is faithful.

I cling to John 3:30—He must increase and I must decrease. This verse is a jumping off place for me daily.

By becoming involved with Celebrate Recovery I have learned the steps and tools I need to help me manage my life. I can look back on the events that happened during my affair and see so clearly the steps I could have taken and how that place of surrender is exactly what starts the ball rolling.

For the first time in my life I have developed friendships with women. I always viewed women as competition, rivals or obstacles to something I wanted. God has blessed me beyond measure by bringing me the women He has and helped me see them as the gifts that they are in my life.

My husband and I have full disclosure between us now. I check everything I’m doing by asking myself if John were standing right here with me right now would I say that? Would I flirt like that? Would I accept that lunch invitation? I am extremely aware of my behavior and where to now draw the line. In the past my line was clearly not defined and I pushed it further and further.

Another verse that I remind myself of constantly is Matthew 16:24-26—Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Thank you so much for letting me share with you. I now am leading a group of amazing women each week at Celebrate Recovery that are dealing with a whole host of issues: Eating disorders, divorce, suicidal tendencies, cutting, anger, fear, alcohol and drug addictions...you name it. I am so very fortunate to have this opportunity to minister to these ladies and help them work their steps and get to a place of healing.

Status Report

2010-02-19T08:13:00.003-06:00

Life has just been busy. Nothing earth shattering.

Still working out kinks with the Celebrate Recovery Ministry. Hoping and praying that all works out for the very best and it is what God wants it to be...not necessarily what I want it to be.

Patrick is pushing the limits lately. I guess that is what 13 year old boys do.

John and I have a date night tonight. No kids home until 10AM tomorrow. This will be the first time in 15 months we have had a night with no kids. You want to know what our big plans are? Probably take out and going to sleep early. Aren't we exciting? :o)

Frustrated

2010-01-29T08:03:00.002-06:00

Why is it people always want things to continue and talk about how awesome they are but nobody wants to step up and help? It always seems to fall on the backs of a few.

We are struggling with our Celebrate Recovery ministry for lack of support. We have new people coming in regularly but we haven't established a core group that keeps coming back other than a handful of dedicated people.

We can't seem to get our church family to support us other than lip service. Not all of course, we have some very faithful supporters, but the majority don't seem to want to be involved.

I go to a church with 1500 people so why can't I find someone to offer to volunteer to bring the meal next week? Why does it seem to fall onto the shoulders of 3 of us each week?

We have several pastors on staff yet none visit even once a month to check out what we are doing. I don't expect them there every single week...but once a month? How about once a quarter just stop in and get to know our participants or show that you are behind this ministry?

We have no budget. We rely on volunteers and their generosity. Yet, we seem to have money for other ministries that are more mainstream. I'm sure there are things behind the scenes that I'm unaware of but this is the overall perception.

We can't get people to volunteer to watch the children of the leaders/participants during the 2 1/2 hours we meet. It has been suggested maybe we need to start charging people so we can have paid childcare workers.

So...you want me to go to someone who is desperately trying to turn their life around and doing all they can to make it to the next day and ask them if they don't mind ponying up $10 for childcare? Really?

I know I'm negative right now but I'm so frustrated. We have a leadership meeting next week and I really want to see what the plan is going forward because at this rate, without support, this ministry will go away and I think that would be incredibly sad.

Miracle

2010-01-22T09:36:00.002-06:00

You may have seen this making the rounds on the net but this little boy in Haiti was rescued after 7 days, along with his 10 year old sister.

I just love this picture. The news story said he was scared to come out and they brought his mother to the site and she called for him.

Beauty from Ashes

2010-01-22T07:19:00.002-06:00

Beauty from ashes. I love that phrase from the Bible. I have seen so many examples in the last few years of God taking something ugly and turning it into something blossoming and beautiful.

Having a lot of down time in the last couple weeks I have sat and thought of how many blessings I have in my life.

I have a husband that loves me beyond measure and that looked passed my ashes and saw beauty. God took that and made our marriage stronger and helped us become whole again. We are coming up on 10 years of being married.

I have 3 children that are healthy. That alone is so much more than many people have.

I have parents that love me even when we don't agree.

I have friends that are there for me when I need them and know when I need to be alone. They cheer with me when I succeed and cry with me when I am hurting.

I have a house we have lovingly made into a home. I can't imagine living anywhere else and I know that one day we may decide to move or need to move but this is our home...even more so than the first house we lived in when we got married.

I am amazed time and time again how God has intervened throughout my life and helped pull me through events...some of my own making and some I had no control over.

It is so easy to get caught up in the ashes of life...the injustices...the failures...but I'm making an effort to see the beauty more.

"Kidney Stones are not fun" or "This Isn't How I Planned my 2010 to Start Off"

2010-01-18T13:58:00.002-06:00

I decided to take a couple days off from work right after the New Year to spend some time with the boys and some friends. I took off Monday, January 4th and Tuesday the 5th. The 4th was great fun...me and the boys hit IHOP. We played with Christmas toys. We spent a lot of good time together.

Tuesday the 5th I had made plans to meet a friend at 9AM to do some shopping, eat lunch and possibly see a movie or just hang out until later in the afternoon. I got everybody back off to work/school/daycare and I started to get ready.

My stomach wasn't feeling 100% but I was determined not to let that ruin my Fun Day so I took some medicine then tried to lay down for a bit. Within 15 minutes I was hurting from my belly button all the way around my back. I called my mother and told her I wasn't feeling so great and that I thought I might head into the doctor when they opened up.

I hung up with her and about 10 minutes later at 8AM I decided I needed to go to the ER.

I drove myself and half way there I decided that was a horribly bad idea.

I stumbled into the ER and they took me back and by 8:30 I had broken out in a cold sweat, was vomiting and rocking back and forth on the hospital bed, doing labor breathing. I truly think labor hurt less than this.

The doctor came back and told me he thought based on my symptoms that I had either a ruptured ovarian cyst or kidney stones. His money was on the kidney stones. He had an IV started with pain meds and I have never wanted a needle shoved into my arm more.

By 9AM my Dad was there and my husband on his way and I was in medicated bliss when they took me back for a CAT scan and xrays.

I did indeed have a kidney stone. A large 7 mm football shaped stone that for the next week refused to pass and I ended up having surgery to remove it last Monday.

Got my stent out on Wednesday (I NEVER want a stent in my body ever again) and I'm back at work today feeling a little worn out and beat up but overall in good shape.

If you have ever had a kidney stone you are wincing in pain while reading this. If you have never had one then I assure you that you don't want to experience it.

What a Difference a Year Makes!

2009-12-23T12:41:00.003-06:00

Lions and Monkeys and Giraffes...Oh my!

2009-12-21T07:17:00.006-06:00

I finally got around to finishing Colin's walls with his animals. I wrapped up the monkey one afternoon while he was in his room napping. He woke up and kinda cleared his eyes then saw the monkey looking at him and said, "Oh! HEY DERE!"

He also liked to touch the sun and say "Hot! Hot!"

We hit the Birmingham Zoo's Zoolight Safari on Saturday night and froze our tails off. Luckily, we are zoo memebers so we didn't pay the $7 each to get in or I would have felt like we needed to stay longer. We made one loop around and pointed out lights then headed inside to eat dinner. After eating and warming up we headed back out in the cold and saw Santa. Colin? Not a fan! I have yet to get a picture of Colin with Santa that he isn't screaming his head off in or pulling away from Santa as quickly as possible!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Some of the things I'm thankful for...

2009-11-28T12:36:00.004-06:00

Defying Gravity

2009-11-19T07:44:00.002-06:00

I love the musical, Wicked. This is one of my favorite songs from it. I've played this song probably 50 times this week.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
Because someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

Simplify

2009-11-17T07:21:00.002-06:00

I am beginning to overhaul our lives. We have too much. Too many things. Too many commitments.

My friend, Dotti, likes to tell me that when I stand up and introduce myself in Celebrate Recovery I need to start saying, "Hi, my name is Kristin and I am believer in Jesus Christ who is a volunteer addict. I CAN'T SAY NO." :o)

I have long ago started decluttering our closets/clothes/paper/junk. What I really need is a full entire weekend with no kids to get things taken care of. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I am so thankful for our church and its ministries and all the ways we can serve but I also think I have taken on too much and need to clear something off my plate.

John and I lead a Home Group each Sunday afternoon.
I have nursery duty every 4th Sunday.
We have signed up to start leading a student class at 9AM each Sunday.
I am helping to lead a Step Study on Wednesday nights for Celebrate Recovery.
I organize the meals every Thursday for Celebrate Recovery for 20-30 people.
I help lead the Women's A-Z group for Celebrate Recovery every Thursday night.
I am serving as a Sponsor for 3 ladies in Celebrate Recovery and walking with them through working their 12 steps.
I help coordinate the Top Guns Wives group each week.

Add this to working a full time job, keeping up my house and trying to raise 3 boys and I'm beat.

I have already decided to let Home Group go. We made a commitment to lead for 18-24 months and we are coming up on 2 1/2 years so I need my Sunday afternoons back.

I've told the CR staff I am out for the next Step Study. They tend to last 4-6 months and I plan to do every other rotation.

Top Gun Wives will end in May and with that I'm going to let them know I cannot help facilitate next year.

My nursery commitment is only once a month so I can manage that.

I do not want to give up CR in the least but I may have to say that I can no longer really handle pulling the meals together after the first of the year.

Now comes the holiday season and with it a whole host of other commitments but my goal for 2010 is to simplify.

Picture Updates

2009-11-01T08:34:00.007-06:00

In an instant...

2009-10-26T12:13:00.002-05:00

My "baby" will be turning 13 in a couple weeks. It has gone by so quickly.

I can remember finding out about him and how scared I was. (I wasn't married to his father and had just turned 21 years old).

Then I remember feeling like every single person around me was unhappy and that regardless of the circumstances I was going to be a mom and I had a little person depending on me.

When I went through all the health scares with him and thought I might lose him and it was decided to deliver him early...

When he was finally born after such a long, long day and so many scares...

When they handed me a little 4 pound bundle and he was the smallest thing I had ever seen but he had these little gray eyes that were wide open...

When I knew it was just me and him on our own and that I would do anything I could to protect and keep him from hurt...

When he went around telling EVERYBODY that "My Mommy and My John and me...we're all going to get married and live together."

Telling him he was going to be a big brother for the first time. "Really? I wanted a puppy!"

Watching him look at Josh for the first time, "He's a keeper, Mom."

Telling him he was going to be a big brother for the second time. "Are you serious, Mom? A BABY? Aren't you too old for that?"

He is my firstborn, strong willed, smart as a whip, addicted to the History Channel, girl crazy, handsome, blue eyed boy that drives me up the wall some times but breaks my heart with pride at other times.

And he'll be 13 soon. And I'm not ready for that.

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

2009-10-15T10:06:00.002-05:00

No pictures uploaded yet but we had such a good time.

Flew out on Friday and Colin was a champ on the plane.

Got in around lunch time and went to check in at the Polynesian.

Was upgraded to concierge level which meant we wouldn't be spending $35--$40 a day on breakfasts. Huge plus! It was a beautiful resort with such neat extra touches. We will stay here again for sure.

Hit Disney Studios on Friday and everybody was thrilled to be back at WDW. Stayed until around 5PM then John took Colin back to the resort and I took the big boys to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party. This is their favorite part of the entire trip I think.

Saturday morning we got up around 8AM and hit EPCOT. Spent the majority of the day there. I took Colin back for a nap after lunch and then John and the boys headed back a little later and spent some time at the pool.

Sunday we did Magic Kingdom all day and everybody had a great time. Colin got his first haircut at the Barber Shop on Main Street and they gave him Mickey ears with "First Haircut" embroidered on the back. SO CUTE.

Monday we hit Magic Kingdom one last time for everybody to do their favorite rides again before our flight left.

We never made it to Animal Kingdom but nobody seemed too disappointed except me. :o)

Flew back home Monday afternoon around 5PM and Colin slept all but 15 minutes of the flight.

Now John and I are considering spending a long weekend back at Disney in March/April/May sometime for our 10 year anniversary. I'm already excited about it!

So far behind...

2009-10-01T08:12:00.002-05:00

On laundry.

On posting pictures.

On cleaning up the house.

On returning phone calls and emails.

On buying groceries and menu planning.

But...I have had so much fun with friends in the last couple weeks. Consignment sale preparations. Beach trip. CR. Lunches. Playing outside.

One of my closest friends lost her father this past week. He was only 60 and far too young to die. He lived a hard life here in the end and made some choices that sealed his fate and I wish it could have been different. He was a good man that was caught up in his illness but he loved his family the best way he knew how. I keep telling her to cling to that.

I also have had a couple ladies drop out of CR due to relapse or their codependency and their partner relapsing. It is very frustrating and makes me sad but you can't force someone to get better. They have to want it. It's like we keep saying in group....maybe they just need a little more pain.

This weekend is dinner with friends, visiting inlaws and getting Direct TV installed. Why I'm not exactly sure since we don't really watch television. Kind of interesting but we want DVR capability to record the few things we are ever interested in seeing. The kids watch their cartoons but John and I...not so much.

8 more days until Walt Disney World. Cannot wait!

2009-09-21T12:32:00.001-05:00

Hoping Josh is on the mend. Fever today was only 99.

Colin woke up on Saturday from a nap with a 102.3 fever but by Saturday night it was completely gone and he acted fine. Did fine all day Sunday and no fever today. Weird.

I'm just trying to keep everybody else well and get through this week so I can head to the beach on Friday and not be leaving behind any sick kiddos.

When it rains, it pours...

2009-09-17T02:10:00.003-05:00

Josh woke up this morning telling me his throat hurt. I took him temp and it was 101. We made plans for him to stay home from school and I called the doctor for an appointment.

He got to the doctor at 11AM and even after a dose of Tylenol at 6:30 his fever was 103.1.

Strep throat AND swine flu.

We have him isolated at my parent's house to try and minimize exposure here, especially with Colin.

I've been running back and forth checking in on him and taking him things from home.

I'm guessing he's going to be down and out for a few days but hopefully by Monday he will start to show some improvement.

The doctor said the possibility of pneumonia worried her more than anything else. She said if he starts complaining with his chest hurting to bring him back ASAP and more than likely he would be hospitalized. We are praying it doesn't get to this and his coughing doesn't get any worse.

No fun at all!

I've been Cloroxing everything in sight. I know we have all already been exposed and the doctor said if we are going to get it it would be in the next 24-48 hours so we'll have to sit back and see what happens.

I jinxed us! I was just telling someone at work yesterday that we had never taken a flu shot and never gotten the flu!

2009-09-14T09:32:00.002-05:00

So far behind in updating and posting pictures.

The boys got a new swingset so they have been outside every afternoon. Colin loves to swing in his new swing.

I'm only in the office 2 days this week. I have to attend an update class which basically means I have to physically sit in the class for 20 hours but I can bring a book to read or whatever so I'll be catching up on all my reading Wed-Fri. I'm done at noon on Friday so I have the rest of the afternoon to myself...at least until 3PM!

11 more days till I leave for the beach and I'm ready!

We brought out all our Fall decorations this weekend so our house smells like pumpkin and fall wreaths are everywhere.

We had company Saturday night then Sunday afternoon so I'm beat even after having a weekend break.

Colin was running a fever Saturday morning, which caused me to miss a good friend's wedding, but I had to stay home with him. He seems to be doing fine now.

I've started taking advantage of the Y being 5 minutes from my office so I'm back to running each day. I have MISSED that.

A little of this...a little of that

2009-08-14T09:38:00.003-05:00

I had some time at the bookstore yesterday and I really am going to have plenty to read over the next few weeks:

He Chose the Nails--Max Lucado
No Wonder They Call Him the Savior--Max Lucado
Come Thirsty--Max Lucado
The Space Between Us--Thrity Umrigar
What is the What--Dave Eggers
Nineteen Minutes--Jodi Picoult
Psalm 91--Prayer of Protection--Peggy Joyce Ruth
Cast of Characters--Max Lucado
Going Public with Your Faith--William Carr Peel/Walt Larimore

So excited to get started! And it looks like I'm hitting the beach September 24--27 with some friends so I should have lots of time to spend on reading and soaking up some sun while making plans for the upcoming semester of Celebrate Recovery.

The boys had great first days of school. They both are excited this year and I think working with them during the summer helped keep them prepared and ready for the new year. They are making so many new friends lately and I'm so thankful God has placed them where He has and brought the people into their lives that He has as well.

I'm ready to start the new job. It is full of potential for me to share about CR, things going on at Westwood, what God has been doing in our lives. Some people look at work as a negative but I know God has me where He wants me and is giving me opportunity after opportunity to share my faith. Too many things fell into place with this job that I haven't shared that lets me know I'm where I need to be for now.

John starts his new job on the 31st and he is very excited as well.

And we have a surprise for the boys in October...heading back to Disney for a few days. They have a mini break from school and we have some extra time ourselves so this will be a great time for us to make some more memories with them. I'm also thankful we have the option to do things like this with them while they are still young enough to enjoy them and still want to take family trips.

It is shaping up to be an exciting late summer/early fall for the Pucketts. :o)

Standing in the way of the cross

2009-08-13T21:38:00.001-05:00

I had an opportunity this past Tuesday night to have a Bible study with 2 really cool ladies that live on my street. We are working through an awesome book and I'm learning a lot.

One of them shared a story with me that was so powerful of an image and I know how much we all love images (LINDSEY) so I wanted to pass it on. I am not sure where she originally got this from so I can't credit the author.

It seems a lady was on the beach watching her young son and his father play in the surf. The waves were crashing in and she watched him play and his whole face light up with happiness.

But then the waves took a turn and they seemed to be getting stronger. She saw him get knocked down a couple times and her heart clenched. Should she run to him? Should she step in and scoop him up out of harm's way? She readied herself to run down to her child.

Then she realized he was still laughing and playing and that his father was right by his side, making sure he was safe. He would reach up to his father from time to time and let him lift him above the chaos. She realized that had she stepped in and taken over the situation her child would have missed an experience he was enjoying. He didn't want her at that moment. He wanted his father.

It then struck her how often she does that in situations in her life. Step in and take control because she thinks she knows best. Her way is the right way. She is in control.

And it also struck her...how many times has my doing that blocked someone from the cross? Kept them from their Father when that was what they really wanted and needed.

She made it a point to then start praying that God show her times she was blocking the cross from someone in her life. That maybe her role was to walk beside them but not to step in front of them and keep them from what they truly wanted and needed.

Father, please help me to understand that I can't always step in and "save" my children from the things of this world. They are yours, Father. You control their destiny and no matter how much I desire to protect them, sometimes all they really need and want is you and the cross. Help me not to stand in the way. Help me to daily turn them over to you.

6 Little Girls

2009-08-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

I had Extended Teaching Care this morning at 11AM. I volunteer once a month and I just love it!

This morning I had 6 little girls and can I just say, being the mother of 3 little boys, I'm not used to little girls. First, they are so QUIET. They were calm and played together nicely. Nobody tried to build things just to knock them down as loud as possible.

Nobody picked up crayons and turned them into guns or swords or lightsabers.

It was an eye opening experience for me. I wouldn't trade my 3 boys for anything but it was a whole other world.

Tonight our Small Group will meet and try to wrap up the Lucado book, "Cure for the Common Life." I have really enjoyed this one.

I have to leave group early to do a Celebrate Recovery Presentation at the church for another Small Group. I love telling people about CR. Ever since Cardboard Testimonies there is a energy about CR and people wanting to know more about it. I find myself running into people in the grocery store who come up to me and say how cool that Sunday was and how much they felt God's presence. People I knew only well enough to nod to in the hallways are now are asking me how to get involved. Thank you, Father! It was my prayer from Day One that you take the stories on the cardboard and use them all for your glory and you did just that!

I start the new job August 17th and Colin goes back to daycare tomorrow. I have been blessed to spend the last few months home with him and although at the time I thought losing my job was the worst possible thing, it wasn't. God has humbled me to realize how much I was letting fly by me while I was tied up with my career. This new position is a pay cut and also not as many responsibilities and I am so glad.

Now I hear John and Colin heading in from the store so I'm off to make snacks for Small Group and to gather my thoughts for the presentation later tonight.

Nevermind...John apparently forgot his wallet...bless his heart...and he is having to head back to the store to pay for the items he had already put in his cart. He is so good natured to laugh at himself when he does something like that. I would be furious and let it cloud the rest of my afternoon. I'm blessed to have him as my husband and so thankful for all of the winding paths our lives took to get to this place.

The Beach

2009-07-31T19:29:00.002-05:00

We are heading out first thing in the morning for a last minute beach trip.

Can't wait since my last trip got so messed up!

Now watch it rain the entire time we're there!

The video is up!

2009-07-28T13:56:00.002-05:00

www.ewestwood.org/CR I had to let it play through once to get it fully loaded but the second time it played smoothly for me.

I'm SO proud of my Celebrate Recovery group and all those who participated.

I know the courage that it took for some of those people to be out on that stage in front of hundreds of people.

It was simply amazing. Words aren't adequate.

Cardboard Testimonies

2009-07-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

Our Cardboard Testimonies went off yesterday in all 3 services without a hitch. I should have a link to the video of them sometime soon.

I am exhausted but they turned out amazing! I ended up with 24 participants and we closed the services during the invitation with the presentation.

We have already been swamped with comments, emails and phone calls from people saying it was the most powerful thing they have ever seen done.

People were openly weeping and flocking to the altars as we were standing on the stage, holding up our signs. I tried really hard not to look at people, but to look out at the words on the screens or I knew I would never make it through.

It was simply amazing and God was so present.

I can't wait to get the code to post the link so I can share it with you.

I think it was even more special to me because a lot of these ladies are in my CR group and I know what it took for them to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people and share their secrets.

Now I can put that project behind me and get busy on the next one.

Also, I have accepted a job that I will start on August 17th. It is a pay cut and I hate that part but I did ask for several things and got them, including a 35 hour work week from 7AM--3PM each day. That will help me out with the boys and school.

John has his final interview with the CEO of this new company tomorrow at 2PM.

If we can get this nailed down then we both will have a new job to celebrate!

On the Go

2009-07-22T11:13:00.002-05:00

Seems like whenever I sit down to update 100 other things pop up.

I'm busy working on Cardboard Testimonies for our Celebrate Recovery group and others to do in all 3 services at our church this weekend. This has been a huge endeavor but God has been so faithful to send me the people I needed to participate and helped me word their stories for this presentation. I can't wait for Sunday!

I'm also helping to coordinate a women's group to coincide with our Men's Top Gun group that starts in August and helping flesh out the devotionals for that.

Add that to my regular routine of housework and playing with Colin and I feel like the days are flying by.

He is slowly waking up from a morning nap right now then off to Costco we go to stock up on groceries.

Patrick and Josh are at YMCA camp this week so I get a little bit of a break. This is their last week of camp, however, and school doesn't start until August 13th so I am going to have my hands full with all three boys until then.

I interviewed for a job that would be 7-3 so if we can work out the scheduling/salary that might be a great fit. And at least it wouldn't be driving back and forth to Montgomery every day. It is a $15K pay cut for me but if this other job works out for John then we can make that work.

We have birthday parties and numerous church things going on this weekend then hopefully next week a little down time!

The S-E-X talk with my baby

2009-07-18T06:51:00.002-05:00

It finally was at a point I couldn't avoid it any longer. Patrick will be 13 in November. He's going into 7th grade. I'm sure I'm actually late on talking to him but that's my baby! He isn't ready for the sex talk. He should still be climbing trees and playing with race cars and thinking girls are icky and gross.

Yeah, not so much.

I broached the subject gently to see how he would respond and he was so mature about it I could have cried. I anticipated some giggles and a red, embarrassed face but that isn't really what happened. At one point he smiled at me and said, "Well...this is awkward" but that was it.

We started with puberty and changes to your body. Boys vs. girls. We talked about boys viewing sex as more visual while girls view it more mentally and why this is very important as he approaches a healthy, ADULT sexual relationship.

And we talked about abstinence and protection. I know some will disagree with that but I thought long and hard on my stance with my boys and I decided to tell him the following:

God designed sex as a gift for 2 married people. It is a beautiful thing and there is nothing dirty or ugly about it until people take it and use it not as God intended and it becomes something He didn't plan.

That God and his parents want him to wait until he finds the woman he wants to spend his life with to make the decision to give his gift to her and only her...BUT that might not be the choice he makes. While that would disappoint both God and his parents that will be a choice he has to make one day and if he does choose to get involved in a sexual relationship before he is married that he needs to make sure he is protected from not only an unwanted pregnancy but also a whole host of diseases out there.

We talked about how hard a baby is...he sees that daily with Colin...and how that would change his entire life and any plans he has for the future. We talked about having to be on medications for the rest of your life or possibly losing your life because you have an STD due to unprotected sex.

And we talked about wanting to be able to come to your wife one day and tell her that you made the choice to wait for her. About respecting the person you are in a relationship with.

And we wrapped it up about talking a tiny bit about sexual violence and being in control of those raging hormones. About locker room talk and the desire boys sometimes have to brag and make things up that aren't true and how that can damage a girl more than they know.

All in all I think it was a good talk but I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that my baby is at a point I needed to have a talk with him.

Patrick did tell me he's never even kissed a girl but that will all change soon I'm sure.

Oh to go back to the days of climbing trees and playing with race cars. :o)

Colin goes in for the kiss

2009-07-13T16:18:00.003-05:00

Colin's 1st Birthday--Monkey Theme

2009-07-12T06:04:00.001-05:00

Family Shot

Mommy and Colin

Monkey and Palm Tree Cupcakes

Gift bags

Busy, busy, busy

2009-07-09T05:28:00.000-05:00

Things in my corner of the world are very busy. I think even when I had a full time job outside of home I wasn't this busy.

We had our monthly neighborhood dinner on Tuesday night and it was our turn to host. I decided to hit the Farmer's Market and make a really nice fresh vegetable meal. We ended up with:

Fried chicken
Sauteed corn
Fried okra
Fresh red tomatoes
Greek Squash and Zucchini
Hot Cornbread
Red New Potatoes
Salad

One neighbor even brought a red, white and blue cake her daughter made so we had a fun dessert to top it all off.

Colin's first birthday party is Saturday so yesterday I worked on making gift bags. I wanted something to go along with his palm trees/monkeys and couldn't find anything so I bought plain brown bags and a palm tree stamp and made my own.

I also am making these adorable monkey cupcakes so I'll have to get a picture if they turn out okay.

The two older boys go to camp at the YMCA every other week and I am very thankful for it. Having all 3 of them home full time does not go well some days. But having them in camp means getting bags ready each night with 2 snacks, packing a lunch, putting 4 Gatorades and 2 water bottles in the freezer overnight, getting swim suits and towels, goggles and sunscreen packed and making sure they have their camp shirt on Field Trip days and money on lunch days when they can purchase something.

It gets a little complicated when their schedules are totally different. Patrick may have a Field Trip on Tuesday and Josh may have his on Thursday. They may have lunch days at different times too. Good thing I keep all this straight on the calendar!

This week they are at camp so Colin and I have the same basic routine. We eat breakfast then go for a walk around the lake and feed the ducks. He has started making a "Duh" sound for "Duck, Daddy and Dog".

After our walk we come in and crawl around on the floor. He has invented this game where he chases me as I crawl around couches and chairs and when he finds me he giggles his head off. My knees are not loving this game.

Around 9AM we watch 2-3 songs of a Praise Baby video (he LOVES these) and he takes his bottle.

Then I carry him upstairs and he lays down for a morning nap...usually an hour to an hour and a half. I lay him down awake and he settles right in. Worst case he may fuss for 2-4 minutes but by the time I'm back down the stairs he's good.

While he's napping I shower or do housework, return phone calls and emails and make a list of any errands we need to run.

After he wakes up we head out to do anything on our list and either grab lunch out or come back and eat depending on how many things we have to get done.

After we get home we play with toys and look at books. He normally repeats the Praise Baby and bottle deal sometime between 1:30 PM and 2PM then takes an afternoon nap for another 1-1 1/2 hours.

While he's down for the afternoon I work on dinner and every so often get to take a quick nap myself.

Today he will stay with my parents as I have a job interview in Montgomery. We'll just see how that goes.

The Scales of a Dragon

2009-06-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

My friend, Lindsey is also a leader in our Celebrate Recovery Group. She is awesome and I love her spirit and her heart. She sent the ladies we are working with in CR the best letter and I asked her if I could share it on my blog...it is such a powerful image.

Ladies:

For those of you who were there last night thank you so much for sharing and for those of you who were not we missed you badly and need your voice in our group. I receive so much healing by listening to others stories. I just wanted to share a little something this morning too. Several years ago I read C.S. Lewis's The Voyage of the Dawn Treader... its one of the Narnia Series. We mentioned The Screwtape Letters last night... C.S. Lewis is one smart guy. Anyway, There is a passage that has been on my heart from that book for the last couple of days, so many of the images from that book speak to me at various times. Anyway, let me give you the back ground in case you have not read it because I want to share with you an excerpt... it's so beautiful and relevant to our work @ CR.

The character's name is Eustace and he is a brat. He is a cousin to the crew of kids from the movies ( cause this one is later in the series) and he is whiny and annoying and ....you can get that image in your head no problem. They land on this island to explore and he finds a dragon. He watches it a first. Goes back again to watch it a little closer. Sneaks into it's lair, plays with it's stuff, puts on his bracelet, and slowly begins to realize he is growing scales. He continues to visit the dragon, never associating his scale growth with the dragon and long story short over a period of time grows more and more scales... isolates himself from the group because the whole scale thing is a little hard to explain and, well, embarrassing and eventually just disappears and becomes a dragon. In the story you hear all of this from his own mouth.. as a testimony, and only after he is found by Edmund one morning sitting by the fire. Edmund asks how he became un-dragoned and here is the story.... He keeps trying to "wash off the scales" one night he is so fed up and tired and looks at himself and does not recognize who he is. He hits bottom. He tries to remove the scales three times himself. Each time he does it it comes off and then right back on. He is frustrated. Finally, Aslan who is waiting patiently on the bank thru this process says.... I have to do it. Isn't that beautiful? Aslan is the God figure in the book, just FYI. Here is the passage.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. There he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phony if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they're no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.
"After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me . . . in new clothes -- the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here." [116-117]

Oh man I love that picture. I have prayed it lately. God, please peel this mess off. Forgive me for playing with that dragon. Remove my scales and chunk me in the water... naked and pink with new baby skin and all.... and let me swim until the pain is gone. You can do this for me. I'm tired of pulling off my own scales only to watch them re-appear. It's a waste of time. You do it. You are the only one who can.

Well that was a long intro and a whole lot of words but I just wanted to share with you that picture and invite you all back to CR next week, baby skin and all. Maybe that picture will help you think thru the week about your dragon and remind you that God is the only one who can peel those scales off.

Cute little guys! Pictures galore.

2009-06-16T15:57:00.001-05:00

Picture Day!

2009-06-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

Today was a much needed picture day with the boys. We loaded up and had a fuss-free picture session then hit Johnny Rockets for lunch.

Now I am trying to upload pictures while chasing Colin around the playroom. So...it looks like posting actual pictures will have to wait for a couple hours until Daddy gets home.

Speaking of...John came home from work early and took Patrick and Josh to see a movie. He doesn't know it yet but I got a picture made of me and all 3 boys for one of his Father's Day presents so SHHHHH!!!!

Tonight I am cooking fish for dinner. I hate seafood but I am making an effort to cook it at least twice a month. We'll see how it goes.

Pictures very soon...

Nine Years Ago

2009-06-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

Nine years ago today I married a man I was very much in love with.

And we've gone through many trials and bumps in those nine years.

He drives me crazy at times and some days I wonder if we are going to make it but those days are very much few and far between since God restored our marriage and we learned how to really communicate.

I came in from running this morning and he had a dozen roses and a card sitting on the kitchen counter for me. Then when I walked into our bathroom to take a shower he had left another card for me on the bathroom counter. When I got into the van to go to VBS today he had left another card for me in the driver's seat of the van.

And nine years later I can tell you I'm married to my best friend. He isn't perfect and neither am I (FOR CERTAIN) but I love him and I love our family and our life together.

Little Sponges

2009-06-08T18:42:00.001-05:00

Today, our church kicked off our Vacation Bible School. As of last count, we had 700 kids registered! How awesome is that!

I am teaching 2-3 year olds and I love my little group. They are just precious and had a great first day at VBS. I love to see them soak up everything. I had one little guy tell me today that I needed to push him so high on the swing "that I could touch Jesus."

Patrick is volunteering all week with various classes and so far so good. His baptism is scheduled for this Sunday and I am so excited to watch him take this next step. He has his moments and tries my patience, daily (much as I'm sure I do God on a daily basis as well) but overall he is a great kid and I am proud of him.

Josh seemed to really enjoy his first day of VBS too. Last year he went 2 days then told me he didn't want to go back. I'm not sure if he was too shy or something happened to hurt his feelings or what but I'm glad to see him enjoying it.

Colin did well at Teacher Kids Care so that was a relief. I was worried that since he has been out of daycare for a few weeks that he would have a hard time of it but he seemed to be happy as he could be when I picked him up.

In running news, today marked the first day I ran a complete mile without stopping to walk at all. I've upped my total distance to almost 2 miles and I'm running at least 6 days a week. I tend to take either Saturday or Sunday off to get up with Colin and let John sleep in a bit since he gets up with him every other day.

Anger

2009-06-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

I'm much better than I use to be but I still have moments where I completely blow my top. Lately I'm running into so many people that share with me they have problems being in control of their tempers.

I ran across a verse that I'm memorizing to help keep me in check when I feel myself start to explode.

James 1:19-22

19 My dear brothers and sisters, pay attention to what I say. Everyone should be quick to listen. But they should be slow to speak. They should be slow to get angry. 20 A man's anger doesn't produce the kind of life God wants.
21 So get rid of everything that is dirty and sinful. Get rid of the evil that is all around us. Don't be too proud to accept the word that is planted in you. It can save you.
22 Don't just listen to the word. You fool yourselves if you do that. You must do what it says.

When did I ever find the time?

2009-06-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

I swear it seems like I had more time to get things done when I worked full time!

Colin keeps me on my toes. Our first adventure this week consisted of him getting into the pantry, finding a can of root beer and somehow puncturing it just enough for a fine spray to come out. By the time I got to him he had it up to his mouth, slurping up the root beer with a huge grin on his face. Had it not been also spraying onto my pantry door and the floor I HAD JUST MOPPED I would have grabbed the camera to capture that sweet face.

Mr. Man has also started climbing stairs so I purchased 2 baby gates yesterday to block off access to our upstairs and downstairs.

He just laid down for a quick morning nap so I have about an hour to get things done before we head out for our errands for the day.

The older two boys are in YMCA camp this week. Patrick is doing Waterpark Camp and hits a different water park every day. He is wiped out by the end. Josh is doing Wacky Science at the McWane Center everyday so he comes home with experiments galore.

Next week is VBS at church and I have 2 year olds so that should be a long but fun week.

Things to do in the next few weeks include getting the dogs bathed and groomed, getting new pictures of the boys, updating said pictures on my blog and working on summer reading lists with both older boys.

All in all just enjoying the first few days of summer with my boys.

Broken

2009-05-26T07:21:00.000-05:00

Back from the beach. It was a nice, then stressful, then nice again trip. I won't bore you with all the details but it consisted of me having to buy a new cellphone, the hot water heater in our unit catching on fire and me coming home 2 days early with Colin, who had canker sores in his mouth and all down his throat.

We are all back together again now and Colin is on the mend.

But...that isn't what this post is going to be about.

On Tuesday Josh and I were walking along the beach collecting sea shells. I would run grab one then throw it back because it was broken. You see...I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I don't want my shells to have cracks in them. I want to find them intact. I've done this for as long as I can remember. I've gone to this exact beach every year since I was 6 years old and each trip I look for shells.

I noticed Josh running up ahead in the surf, picking up shells and putting them into his bucket. I caught up with him and asked to see the ones he had found. All broken. Pieces of shells but none of them intact.

I told him he didn't want those and we needed to throw them back but then he looked up at me and said, "But, I like them this way. I think they are beautiful."

I asked him why he thought that and after a minute he said that these shells had gone a long way through the ocean to get to the shore and had been bumped and cracked and broken and it was hard but they made it.

I let him run ahead to find more broken shells and it struck me what a great lesson he had given me.

We have all gone a long way through the ocean to get to the shore and we've been bumped and cracked and broken and it has been hard but we made it and God thinks we're beautiful the way we are.

So we came home from the beach with a bucket full of broken shells.

And I think they are beautiful.

Disconnecting

2009-05-18T07:48:00.001-05:00

In a mere 7 hours Josh and I will be on our way to the beach until Saturday. John, Patrick & Colin will be coming down to join us on Wednesday afternoon and I miss them already.

I've decided to disconnect on this trip. No laptop. No checking my emails. No reading blogs each morning. It will be a nice change.

Sand. Sun. Ocean waves. Good books. And my Josh. We don't really get to spend that much time alone together so this is a great plan. Other than the missing my other guys part.

Running

2009-05-15T08:33:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be a runner. It has never really held any draw for me and I thought people who did it were a little kooky. I mean why go out early in the morning to do something that leaves you gasping for air and sweating like a pig? Or am I the only one who is gasping and pig-like after a run?

But...I am getting into it. I can see the distance I go increasing week by week. I started out being able to run for about a minute before I had to stop and walk. Now, I'm up to running almost 3/4 of a mile before I have to stop.

My total distance has increase from a mile to a mile and a half. My time is improving as well.

Now my feet don't hit the floor in the morning just dying to go run but once I get out there I'm ready to go and feel a great sense of accomplishment once I cross that point where I know I'm done for the day.

When God Gets Personal...With My Character

2009-05-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

Mark 1:9

Lost Words in our Society: Humility

Humility is not a natural thing...it is a supernatural expression through Jesus Christ.

Phil. 2:3-7

Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness.

To practice humility means I'll put the well-being of others before my own personal fame or glory.

www.Iamsecond.com

Matthew 23:11-12
1 Peter 5:6

Humility is often expressed in non-obvious ways.

Pride is the #1 quality of Satan.

Humility doesn't lead to insignificance. It results in honor and value in God's eyes.

John 3:30
Matthew 18:1-4

Growing Pains

2009-05-06T08:14:00.000-05:00

12 1/2 is a difficult age. I was just telling a friend that I love Patrick always but there are definitely days I don't like him very much and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.

I learned a while back that I can't control things no matter how much I think I can. Sometimes God has a different idea in mind than I do.

If you aren't at the 12 year mark let me warn you IT IS COMING. :o)

It is like he woke up and his brain leaked out of his ears and he can't remember his homework or assignments or supplies. He blows off tests and thinks he can just slide by. He says we are too strict and he might be right in some areas...we are evaluating that.

We asked him what he wanted to be if he could be anything in the world and you know what his answer was? "Normal."

I had to break it to him that he will never be normal. He's smart. He's attractive. He's funny. He isn't average. He is above average and I don't get why he would want to settle for just being average.

If I saw him doing his very best then I would know he got it. But the way he approaches school and his attitude about the future confuses me.

He has the opportunity to take some honors classes soon and he doesn't want to do it. "Only geeks take those classes." Hey, kid? Your MOM was one of those geeks!

He has indicated he wants to go ahead with his baptism soon and we are very happy about that.

I just want him to live up to his potential.

I KNOW I can't force him to do it...there is that control issue again...but I know he always seems to choose to do things the hard way and it is going to cause him to have a hard road ahead.

I know a large portion of it is his exposure to his biological dad but there is little I can do to combat that other than talk him through it.

Just pray I have wisdom in raising this little person who is exactly like me.

While I'm Waiting...

2009-04-28T08:53:00.000-05:00

Several of you have asked how the job search is going. First, I appreciate so much all of your prayers. For now, the job search is going very slowly. I've been looking since February and there just aren't any positions in my field right now.

I'm accepting that it might be Fall before something opens up. John and I pray nightly that God intervene in our situation but first and foremost, we are praying that overall His will be done in this and He get glory in the outcome. Now before I sound too grounded in this...this is a very hard prayer to pray. I definitely have days where I am frustrated and sad and yes, even angry at God. But, how thankful I am that He can take all of my feelings and He wants me to give them to Him.

For the last few weeks after I take the boys to the bus stop I've been jogging around the lake in our subdivision.

This serves 2 purposes: 1) Maybe I can finally drop those last 10 baby weight pounds and 2) I spend some quality time talking and listening to God. Normally no one else is out and I can close my eyes and hear birds. I can walk around and watch the Mama Duck with her new babies and how she nurtures them. There are 2 spots on the track that when the wind is blowing just right you can smell honeysuckle. I walk around in awe of our beautiful world but more importantly, our Creator that made all this for us and provides for us daily.

Some days I have my iPod with me and this morning the song, While I'm Waiting (by John Waller) was playing. If you are not familiar with this song, go download it right now. I'm sure the neighbors around the lake (if they are looking out their windows at 7:15 AM) wonder who this crazy lady is jogging around, singing and lifting up her hands in the air.

Anyway, some of the lyrics...I've posted them before but I just love them.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Pretty appropriate at this season in my life, don't you think?

So, on days that I feel frustrated and sad and angry, I hold on to what I have said from Day One: I set my heart to God's timing. As sure as He is, I know my circumstances will change. I trust you, Father.

BUT, in the meantime, I will serve. I will worship. And...I will wait.

When God Gets Personal...with My Grief

2009-04-24T08:06:00.000-05:00

John 11

1) My great loss is not a measure of God's love for me.

2) God answers all prayers but He does not grant all requests.
--The request could be wrong for me so the answer will be "No."
--The request could be the wrong timing so the answer will be "Not yet."
--I might need to grow before the request will be answered.

3) In moments of grief God wants us to trust Him even when we don't understand Him.

4) To see God at work in my loss, I must remove the stone as in the above reference to the story of Lazarus.

Fingers Crossed

2009-04-23T07:38:00.000-05:00

John has a phone interview this morning for a different job. One, that hopefully, would allow us a little more breathing room while I continue to search for something.

Please pray that it goes well and that if it is the right place for him to be that God will work it out for him to be there.

And, if not, that we accept it gracefully and know that God has a plan that we just don't see yet.

A Lesson Learned from An Atheist

2009-04-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

So Sunday at church last week the pastor tells us he wants us to watch a quick session of "Penn Says" with Penn Gillette.

Now Penn is a self proclaimed atheist. He was talking about this guy that came up to him after a show and was very complimentary and very genuine. He said over and over that this was a good guy. The guy then gave him a Bible and had written a personal note to him on the inside.

Penn goes on to say that he doesn't believe there is a God and he disagrees with everything this guy believes but that he was a genuinely good guy and he respected him.

Here's the part that got me. I don't have the direct quote but he basically said that if you are a Christian and you don't proselytize then he has no respect for you. If you truly believe in a heaven and a hell and that people are going there if they don't have salvation and you don't tell everybody you meet then you are a hypocrite and how much do you have to hate someone not to want to tell them what you believe?

Wow.

He talked a little more about not telling people because you think they don't want to hear it or it is socially awkward and how many times he bets that happens by those who claim to be a Christian.

I found it really thought provoking and we were all challenged to consider his words. How many times do we not share our faith because we think it might be socially awkward? Or we think the person doesn't want to hear it?

If you want to see the clip you may want to scroll down and pause my music so you can hear better.

When God Gets Personal...With My Sin

2009-04-14T07:34:00.000-05:00

I Corinthians 15:35-44; 50-57

1) Every person who has ever lived has been affected by sin.

2) God is not fair. He is just and right and good and holy but He is not fair...and we don't want him to be. If God were fair then Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross for my sins.

3) God has provided a way out of a world polluted by sin.

4) Our imperfection can be transformed by Jesus' perfection.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-10T07:22:00.001-05:00

Pay no attention to the skull pajamas.

I had nothing to do with it...

2009-04-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

One of our fish is acting weird. Swimming on his side. I figure he is dying but he has been doing this for almost 24 hours now and has yet to kick the bucket.

I took him out of the main aquarium and put him in a separate one to hopefully keep the other fish from getting anything if he's sick.

Tonight John and I were going over what possibly might be wrong...like we have any clue.

Josh was oblivious...or so I thought...playing his DS game.

Me to John: "Hmmm...do you think maybe his fin is hurt?"

John: "No...he seems to be using it fine."

Me: "Maybe he's just old and it's his time?"

John: "Maybe. It just seems weird he's lasted this long on his side though..."

John: "Do you think it could be pregnant maybe?"

Me: "Um...all the fish are males...if it is pregnant then somebody has some explaining to do."

Small little voice from the couch: "I haven't TOUCHED that fish!"

John and I then burst out in inappropriate laughter and Josh has no clue why what he said was so funny. He just heard that somebody had some explaining to do and wanted to make sure his butt was covered.

Classic.

I Don't Get It

2009-03-31T08:22:00.000-05:00

I had a lot of free time this past weekend so I sat down and read the Twilight books. All 4 of them. My son is into them so I wanted to see what all the fuss is about. I had been told they might not be such a good thing for him to read but I didn't see anything that made me raise my eyebrows too much.

Please don't hurt me but...I don't get it.

I mean, they were decent reads and I can see why teenage girls would go nuts over them, but the main female character? I wanted the vampires to eat her because she was so indecisive and whiny.

To each his own but I just don't get it.

In other news, Josh had a good birthday. I surprised him and Patrick on Friday by checking them out of school and taking them to see Monsters vs. Aliens in 3-D. It was a big hit with them.

I also found a birthday card for Josh that sings a song from Madagascar 2...the one that Moto Moto sings? "I like em' big...I like em' chunky..."

Josh loves going around singing that but he HATES it when we catch him doing it and laugh about it.

He opened the card and cracked up.

Good times.

Trying new things

2009-03-26T07:51:00.000-05:00

I have made it a point to try and do things I wouldn't have done in the past during this uncertain time in my life.

Getting out and building the extended patio? Not something I would normally do. Work in my yard, yes, but take on a project like that? No way. And I did it.

I looked in our dining room the other day and decided it needed a Spring flower arrangement. I went shopping and all the ones I saw were SO expensive so I decided to try and make my own. And I did it.

I have always cooked dinner for my family each night...even back when I was working. It is on the table 98% of the time when John walks through the door at 5:45. I call it my 1950's Housewife throwback but I can't help it. Even though my career has always been very important to me having that family dinner around the table with conversation and no television is more important.

Last night I made the boys a special dessert. And Josh REALLY enjoyed it. Can you tell? Yes...they are in martini glasses... Bygones.

Tomorrow my "little" boy will turn 7 years old. He wants steak for dinner and a cake with a Robot on it. I'm struggling with the robot cake deal. I haven't been able to find a bakery that can do a Robot cake so that is my mission today.

House of Prayer last night was ironic. It was all about healing. I prayed for Stellan the entire time and God was so good to reveal things to me through our pastor and the Bible about healing.

Prayers for Stellan

2009-03-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of people read Jennifer's blog and already know about Stellan's heart issues.

I've been praying off and on all day today. He is on my mind because when I see pictures of him he reminds me of Colin so very much.

I'm adding some pictures for his name gallery...Patrick thought of the diapers and Josh thought of the army men...

If you want to participate in his name gallery you can find the info at
http://knowingnorrah.blogspot.com/.

To read more about Stellan and his amazing journey in life so far you can visit www.mycharmingkids.net.

And pray, pray, pray for his healing but ultimately God's will be done.

When God Gets Personal...With My Schedule

2009-03-24T07:47:00.000-05:00

Notes from the sermon:

Luke 10:38--42

It is easy for your spiritual gifts to get in the way of your spiritual identity.

Ask yourself:

Who am I?
What have I bought into? What am I sold out to?
Who do I belong to?

Refer to the scripture above. Who was better prepared to worship the Savior? Martha or Mary?

How do we prepare for worship? Do we just go because it is Sunday and that is what you do on Sunday or do we really prepare ourselves for worship?

Until we understand what the most important thing in our life is we will never grow.

Accountability is painful, but it is necessary.

Priorities should be predetermined and followed through with discipline.

Steps to take:

Admit you are weak and need Christ's help.
Get some accountability.
Use a journal.
Start small. Commit to having focused prayer for 5 minutes each day.
Read the same passage for 5 minutes each day for 7 days straight.
Memorize 1 scripture per week. Imagine how many verses you will know in a year!
Write down the victories that come from being disciplined.

Salvation is found at the feet of Jesus...not in the kitchen. Mary was at the feet of the Master while Martha was busy doing things that HAD to be done in her mind.

Rescue Me

2009-03-22T16:02:00.001-05:00

Some days this is exactly how I am feeling...

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current’s too strong
It’s pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don’t leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King,
The water is rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Carry me over

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord, give me faith to believe it
Cause I’m in a storm but I’m willing to fight
I’ll overcome and I will not die with You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King,
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Carry me over

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the Heavens
Here is my hand is my heart and my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King,
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me, my God and my King,
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Carry me over

Thank you, Father that you step in and rescue me each and every time. It may not be how I would have planned but it is your will and carried out in your timing.

A Post Full of Pictures

2009-03-20T11:40:00.000-05:00

I am 98% finished with my back yard project so I thought I would capture it and post for all to see because I'm sure you are very, very interested in how I've spent probably 35 hours of my time recently...

What most of the areas looked like before I got started...

The new rock garden area...

New patio and rock walkway...

A couple pics I took at Callway. I was very impressed with how well my camera did...

I took my old patio furniture and cleaned it up, sanded off any rust then spray painted them and added new cushions.

I still have to pressure wash and stain my deck but that will be another few days before I can get around to it.

I completely dug up half the back yard cleaning things up, relandscaping, adding the extended patio, fixing a drainage issue area...WHEW! It makes me tired just thinking about all of it.

Today Josh and I spread Easter eggs all in the front flower beds and I made a spring wreath for the door...

Angel and Baxter...both are rescue dogs. Angel has almost lost all of her sight now.

Me and Colin...

Brief Update

2009-03-13T10:15:00.001-05:00

I'm still around...just have been spending 6 hours a day for the last 4 days in my back yard on several projects. I am kicking myself that I didn't take any before pictures because the after ones are going to be awesome.

I absolutely love working in my yard. I get filthy dirty and I hurt all over the next day but it is such a stress reliever for me and I enjoy it so much.

Today I am having my lunch date with Josh then taking Colin to run some errands.

We leave on Monday for Callaway Gardens for a mini vacation. I found a good deal and it is Spring Break for the boys so off we go!

One of the jobs I interviewed for fell through but I still have one hanging out there. Hope to hear about it next week.

And an old associate of mine called me this morning and said he had heard of a position and had passed my name along so we will see what happens.

It is still my prayer that if it isn't where God wants me to be then I don't want it.

This is a very hard prayer to pray because we are approaching the point that I really need to find something. But, I would rather do it this way then take something and figure out later it was my selfish desire that brought me there and not God's will.

Hopefully next week I will have pictures of my completed projects as well.

What do I have to do? Draw you a picture?

2009-03-06T07:25:00.001-06:00

I have been known to say this to my children from time to time when I feel like I have explained something in such perfect detail that there is no way they can possibly not get it.

I had an experience this last week that reminds me that God feels the same way about me many times. I have been praying so much over this job situation and that I am where God wants me to be even if it isn't necessarily where I want to be.

I got a card from a friend that had "Psalm 37:4" written on the bottom. I was in the middle of 100 things so I told myself I would go look up the verse later.

Fast forward a few days and I get another card from someone with "Psalm 37:4" written on it. Hmmm...haven't I seen that somewhere else recently? Again I make a mental note to go look it up.

Couple more days pass...I am driving and this moron pulls RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF ME and I almost hit him. As I am contemplating how to not possibly lose my temper and say very unflattering things I see his vanity plate. PSA 37:4

Okay...this is getting spooky. I laugh and tell God that I'm listening. I pull off the side of the road and get my Bible and look it up.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give all the desires of your heart.

Thank you, Father. You did indeed have to draw me a picture.

Snow Pictures

2009-03-04T07:38:00.000-06:00

We had what passes in Alabama for snow this past Sunday. Now, I've been in Chicago enough during winter to know this isn't REALLY snow...but we take what we get.

COLIN'S FIRST SNOW EXPERIENCE

PATRICK

JOSH

JOHN AND COLIN

I have to smile...

2009-02-28T15:55:00.000-06:00

Oh...the providence of God.

I went out to the mailbox this morning and in it was an insurance package from Blue Cross.

With coverage effective for all of us 3/1/2009.

Not April 1st...March 1st.

I had been told there was no way they would be able to process it by March 1st.

Guess God had a different plan.

Thank you, Father.

Next hurdle...my former company owes me about $3,000 in commissions from my last month and it is proving to be very difficult to try and obtain this so far. I'm holding onto that they are going to keep their word and take care of this for me but I'll feel better once that check is in my hand. They have paid me my last month severance check and paid out my 3 weeks of vacation so maybe this is just a temporary snag.

I had a long talk with John last night and I feel so much better today. I explained to him that I know he is worried/frustrated as well but I need some input from him. I need him to talk to me and give me ideas and not just shrug his shoulders when I present a problem. I have felt lately like all this is on me and while that is not his intention...that is how it comes across to me at times.

Also, God has convicted me so much about how materialistic I've been in the past. There is very little I can do to go and fix what has already been done but man, will I make better decisions in the future.

I have a generous heart and I love buying gifts for friends and plan to continue to do so...I love that part of my heart. That isn't what I'm talking about.

But...I also have big cases of the Wants the majority of the time...not the Needs...the Wants.

I was complaining to a friend about how awful it was to go through the experience at the doctor's office and that I'm sure thousands of other mothers go through that then have to walk back out to their cars...and then it hit me. I do not mean this to sound pretentious in the least but God pushed it in the forefront of my mind so strongly...

I'm walking out to my VOLVO...to drive home to my very nice house. Thousands of other mothers don't do that. They may not have a car or it is on its last legs. They may drive to an apartment or a home not big enough for their family.

When I bought the car 4 years ago I felt like I deserved something I really, really wanted. I was doing better than I ever had in my career and making more money than I ever had before. I picked it out and it was inside my price range and I WANTED it. I love the car. It is the best car I've ever driven and I feel safe in it.

BUT...and this is the important part...I didn't NEED it. There were plenty of other cars that would have suited our needs just fine.

It was totally a status thing. Prideful. A want on my part. John was against spending that much money for a car but since it was money from my job we were using he gave in.

There is nothing wrong with having nice things...but have I let those things define me in the past?

So much to think about and so much to learn from this season in my life.

I set my heart to your timing...

2009-02-27T19:17:00.000-06:00

Today has not been a good day. I'm not reacting well to most everything today.

It all started with my having to take 2 of the boys to the doctor...with no health insurance in place. I've never been in this situation in my life. Our new coverage won't start until April 1st and I was hoping against hope we wouldn't have to make any doctor visits until then.

Yes, I could go back and pay COBRA and it would be $1K each month. I just can't do that right now with no job certain. And yes, we could get insurance through John's job that has a $6K deductible. Yes...$6,000.

I also couldn't sit home and let the boys be sick and not do anything about it so I sucked up my pride and went to the doctor.

Once he came in I told him the situation and he was as nice as he could be. He's been our doctor for almost 13 years and I've never paid a bill late so he knows this is an unusual thing.

He sent the lady from the business office in and she told me they were only going to charge me a standard office visit ($120) for both boys and that I could pay it in portions if I needed to. I told her that $120 was great and I would pay it all today.

If you knew me in real life at all you would know I am not a crier. I hate to cry...I rarely do it. But the nurse was in doing oxygen tests on Colin and when the business lady came in and I started to tell her the situation I felt big huge tears rolling down my face and nothing I did made them stop.

It was just such a humiliating feeling...I know I did nothing wrong to lose my job and I'm doing everything I can to get a new one and to get our insurance back in place but to feel like I know thousands of mothers feel like every single day was humbling and sad.

I get home and then John tells me that effective March 15th everyone in his company is having to take a 7% decrease in salary.

I check my email and a well meaning old coworker sent me pictures from the birthday party they just had for the CEO of the company and all I could think was..."Why am I not there?"

Add to this the fact that it has rained cats and dogs and I'm afraid we have a leak in our roof that will just have to wait for now.

Add to this an email I get from one of my closest friends about some terrible stuff she is going through with her ex-husband, who is also a friend of mine and so deep in sin right now it's blinding him. I can't even get into it because it breaks my heart. It physically makes me hurt.

It is all just too much today. Add that to about 3 hours of sleep and I'm not my usual self.

Tomorrow I'll be back to being fully confident that God is in control and he will work this out for good and I'll see the lesson in this but for tonight? I'm so tired and all I know to do is take it to him.

My frustration. My sadness. Just pour it out and let him take it over. And even in this...God is STILL so good.

I truly don't know how people get through life without faith and without God.

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say...Blessed be your name.

Jesus Conquered the Grapes!

2009-02-26T07:32:00.000-06:00

My sweet friend, Leigh, has an amazing little girl. She is so perceptive and tenderhearted and she gets things more than a lot of 6 year olds. She loves church and she loves to pray for people. When Colin was going through all his ear problems Leigh told me they prayed every night for "baby Colin's little bitty ears."

Anyway her little girl likes the song "Mighty to Save" and the part about Jesus conquering the grave? Well...to her it is "Jesus conquered the grapes."

Is that not one of the cutest things you've heard all day today? LOVE IT.

In job news...I've had several interviews this week. A couple that went nowhere and one that might just work. I really liked the guy and he remembered meeting me from 4 years ago and said when he heard I was looking he wanted to see what he might be able to do. YAY for making good impressions! He is getting some tests together he would like me to take as a formality and then he wants to talk about what I can live with and what he might be able to offer.

The salary might be slightly under what I was making but as a trade off he asked me what types of things would be on my Wish List of wants/needs for a job that might make up for a little bit of the salary. I told him I would like to keep the flexibility in my schedule that I've had for the last 5 years. I like to get into the office by 7AM but come 3:30/4PM I'm gone. He said that might be doable. I also asked to be able to work from home one day a week during June/July/August and he didn't balk too much at that either.

We shall see. I've prayed before walking into every one of these interviews that if it isn't where God wants me then I don't want to be there.

Enjoying this week a lot so far. Had a good House of Prayer service again last night. I'm possibly going to a prison in Alabama next Friday to do some ministry work there with a women's group. Waiting to hear for sure if I'm set to do that.

I spent a long time at the piano yesterday and finished writing a song I've started and stopped at least 100 times over the last few years. Very pleased with how it turned out.

Today looks like yard work if the weather will cooperate with me. And I'm having lunch with Josh at school. We have made this a weekly tradition.

God is so good.

When God Gets Personal...with His Goodness

2009-02-23T08:38:00.000-06:00

Notes from our sermon yesterday:

Psalm 34:8-9 (The Message)

8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.

9 Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness.

1) In order to understand the full goodness of God we must understand the nature of evil/Satan.

2) Because of the goodness of God we don't experience unrestrained evil in this world.

3) The goodness of God is a constant, never-changing attribute of God. He can't be any more good today than he was yesterday or he will be tomorrow.

4) We need the goodness of God because on our own, we aren't good.

5) Although God is good, he does not force his goodness on anyone.

I also missed posting my notes for a week...here is an update from the 2/1 sermon:

When God Gets Personal...With His Mission

Genesis 12 & 22
Acts 9

1) Believing that God exists doesn't satisfy what God requires of us.

Hebrews 11:6 (The Message)

5-6 By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

2) Our relationship with God is dynamic and changing, not static and status quo.

3) When God gets personal he wants us ALL IN.

4) When God gets personal he requires unconditional obedience.

5) A personal relationship with God is costly. It will cost you something.

6) A true relationship with God beings in worship and doesn't just end in it.

When God Gets Personal...With My Rebellion

2009-02-17T17:41:00.000-06:00

Jonah 1-4

My notes from the sermon on Sunday:

1) God is concerned with his agenda...not my own.

2) When God gets personal...things start to happen.

3) The effects of my sin may not be apparent until it's too late.

4) You can have all the right answers about God but still not be in the middle of his will.

5) Repentance is not based on feelings or intentions, but on intentional actions.

6) God goes to extreme measures to reveal himself to people who rebel against him.

7) God sends storms to get our full and undivided attention quickly or when we haven't listened to him otherwise.

8) Sometimes the message of a storm is not for me. It's for somebody else.

I hope to have some time to flesh out these thoughts later tonight or tomorrow.

Tonight is our monthly dinner with our neighbors and it looks like Colin is going to stay home with me tomorrow. He has the sniffles.

Do I trust God?

2009-02-16T08:10:00.000-06:00

Sure, we all say we do...but do I really trust him? With everything?

I know I trust him with my soul...my eternity...

But how about my occupation? Do I trust him enough to do whatever he points me toward?

How about my finances? Do I trust him enough to release all control of my money to whatever he leads me to?

My kids? Do I trust him enough to put their destiny completely in his hands...no matter what that might mean? No matter what they may have to go through?

How easy it is for me to tell people that I trust God with my salvation and my eternity but then I turn around and try to hang onto my kids or my finances or 100 other aspects of my life.

Why don't I trust him completely in these areas at times? Do I not believe in his promises? Do I not think he will take care of me? Do I not think he is good and all things work together for good for those who love him?

I woke up this morning at 3AM thinking about 3 particular areas...my occupation...my finances and my kids. Do I really give them over completely to God or do I hold back part of the control on those things and think my way is better?

Do I only trust God with my soul but not my children? They are his to begin with...he's just entrusted me with them as their earthly parent. Do I trust him enough to give them back to him if that is his plan?

Do I trust him enough to give money away to those I feel led to give it to even though I don't see how my own finances will work if I do? He's good enough for me to trust with where I'll spend forever but not good enough for me to believe he'll take care of me?

I'm really evaluating how much I trust him and while it is scary it is also exciting to see these things revealed to me.

We had a great sermon about Jonah yesterday and I'm going to type up my notes from it either later today or tomorrow.

We are in the middle of a series entitled "When God Gets Personal" and it is making me think so much.

Yesterday's topic was: "When God Gets Personal With My Rebellion" Jonah 1-4.

More to come...right now there is a baby waking up that sounds none too pleased. :o)

How can I race against horses?

2009-02-13T07:36:00.000-06:00

Are you familiar with this conversation between God and Jeremiah? I love this.

Jeremiah 12
Jeremiah's Complaint
1 You are always righteous, LORD, when I bring a case before you. Yet I would speak with you about your justice: Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all the faithless live at ease? 2 You have planted them, and they have taken root; they grow and bear fruit. You are always on their lips but far from their hearts.

Jeremiah is ready to have it out with God about his justice. He's READY. And God reminds him that bigger things are coming. Harder things are around the bend. If you are tired from the simple things...how can you tackle the big ones coming?

Jeremiah 12:5 (The Message)

5-6 "So, Jeremiah, if you're worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? And if you can't keep your wits during times of calm, what's going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?

Jeremiah 12:5 (New Living Translation)

The Lord’s Reply to Jeremiah

5 “If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble and fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets near the Jordan?

Father, Help me to remember that it is not my part to question your justice. I may see things I don't understand. I may want answers but I'm here struggling with the race among people...I'm not ready for the horses yet.

I'm Waiting...

2009-02-12T08:52:00.001-06:00

I just love how God sends you messages when you least expect it...like when you are vacuuming your stairs.

I had my iPod on and was tackling the stairs in our house when this song came on and it struck me how appropriate it is during this season in my life. So, I stopped what I was doing and really listened to the words. I played it a second time and I spent some time on my knees as the words and the meaning behind the song poured over me.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord.

Last night at House of Prayer we talked about Moses and how he was always going up the mountain to be with God...to listen...to get instruction. How God wanted Moses separate...away from all the distractions...just alone with him.

And Moses found things on the mountain. He found God Himself. He found himself...Moses. And he found the will of God for his life.

Later in Exodus there is a great battle and again, Moses isn't on the battlefield...he's up on that mountain. He has his arms raised and as long as he does they are winning. They win the battle because of what is going on on the mountaintop...not what is going on on the battlefield.

I feel like I need to find a mountain and go be with God...to listen...to get instruction...away from all the distractions.

So Very Thankful

2009-02-11T09:57:00.000-06:00

1) I have 3 healthy children.
2) I have a husband that loves me when I am not very lovable.
3) I have friends that stand by me through thick and thin.
4) I have neighbors that are a phone call away.
5) I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry.
6) I have the best church I could ever ask for.
7) I have clothes hanging in my closet...even if some of them are a little snug.
8) I have the amazing grace of God pouring over me daily.

It is so easy to get hung up on the things I don't have right now but thank you, Father, for bringing to my mind all the things I DO have that others don't.

Thank you for working your paths out and bringing me to people that I can help. Thank you for showing me areas I have gifts in that I can use for your glory. Thank you for reminding me that I am rich beyond belief in comparison to others and circumstances they go through.

Out of sorts

2009-02-10T08:03:00.000-06:00

I'm kinda blah today. Nothing really wrong and it isn't a job thing. I just feel down. It may be that I've had a lot of chores/errands on my plate lately and not enough time to relax and just enjoy things.

So...for today I'm cutting my To-Do list in half and going to have lunch with Josh at school. The rest of the must do things can wait until tomorrow. It's going to be raining all day anyway tomorrow so it will be good to stay in and knock things off my list inside the house...like my closet.

I have the worst habit in the world and 95% of people that know me would never believe it because I am so organized. When I come in each day I take off what I have on and throw it in the floor of my closet. Things pile up for about a week until John can't stand it anymore then I sort through what needs to be hung up, taken to the cleaners, throw into the laundry, etc.

This is completely out of character for me but I can't seem to break myself of it. I know it drives John crazy. I'm trying to make it a point each afternoon to not throw things on the floor of the closet but so far...failing miserably.

In other news, I had a job interview yesterday and was offered the job but I am going to turn it down. It is not at all a place I want to work and the salary is about $30K less than I was making. I know maybe I shouldn't be so picky but this would not be something I would stick with long term and I don't feel it would be fair to me or the employer to take it under those circumstances. We're doing fine right now so I'm going to just keep looking.

Now I need to get off the computer, vacuum the stairs and get ready to have lunch with Josh.

Hope everyone is having a great week so far.

P is for Pictures

2009-02-05T11:15:00.000-06:00

Megan tagged me to do this fun game. I got the letter P so here are 10 things I love that start with P in no particular order. If you want a letter, leave a comment and I'll give you one.

Pizza...specifically from Gino's East in Chicago. I LOVE true Chicago style pizza so much that one Christmas my girls in Chicago shipped me 2. They came on Christmas Eve via Fed-ex on dry ice and they were heavenly...but not as good as being there and eating one fresh out of the oven with my friends.

My pudgy little Colin...look at those hocks!

Painting...I love to paint. Rooms in my house especially. This is one of my favorite things I painted...in Colin's nursery. A friend drew in the outline and I did the rest to match his bedding. Love how it turned out!

Posing...Josh and I like to take silly pictures. This is one from a few years ago that I really like.

Taking pictures. I took this one at Navy Pier in Chicago of Patrick, his friend AJ and my good friend, Erica on the swings.

Pirates. We took the boys to Walt Disney World for Halloween in 2007 and we all dressed up as pirates. SO much fun! You may have to click the picture to get the full view of our costumes. Josh was Davey Jones, complete with tentacles. John was Jack Sparrow.

Prayer. I have learned more about prayer and how much it means in my life in the last few years than all the others combined.

Puppet. Our last name was really hard for the kids in Josh's preschool class so they all started calling him Puppet which sounds a lot like our name. The nickname stuck and he still is Puppet to us at times.

Parenting. I love being a parent. It's hard and it's crazy and heartbreaking at times but there is nothing like it.

Naturally, if I have the letter P then Patrick is going to be on my list. Patrick is my heart in many, many ways. His biological dad and I divorced when Patrick was just over a year old and so it was me and Patrick on our own until I married John 3 1/2 years later. He's just like me...which is maddening at times but he is amazing.

Pizza Blast!

2009-02-05T08:41:00.000-06:00

So last night I was able to go to the local middle school for an after hours event that was Christ centered. They had probably 300 kids there. Great band. Good magician. Good speakers. I had volunteered to help and I figured I would maybe take up tickets or help serve pizza. Something simple...something easy.

Oh, Abba Father, you had something different in mind. I showed up and was told I would be counseling kids who had made decisions or had questions.

WHAT? Not me! I'm not qualified to do that. What if I say something wrong? What if they don't like me? What if I don't make sure they get the answers they are looking for?

We had a crash course with one of the speakers for about 30 minutes on how this usually played out. After the event there would be an invitation...as kids came forward the counselors should come forward as well and just grab a group of kids and take them off to talk. You may have some kids that aren't making a serious decision...they are just walking up to the front. You may lose some kids in your group as they walk out and see the pizza set up and choose to walk in that direction. You may end up with kids who have tons of questions.

Lord, I am not ready for this.

I walk into the program and my knees are shaking. I look around at all these kids...high school age down to 4th and 5th graders. They look so different than kids did when I was in school. Some of them are talking and not paying one bit of attention. Some are obviously there as date night as they hang all over each other. Some are sitting alone and they look lost.

Where do I sit? Do I stand off to the side or just mingle with them? I decide to bravely walk right up into the bleachers and sit in the midst of them.

Bleachers aren't comfortable for a 33 year old lady after an hour and a half...just so you know.

I smile as they walk by me. I pray for them. I pray that God reveals himself to them in such a way they can't deny it is him.

About half way through the program I have a group behind me that are rowdy and won't tone it down. I finally decide I should say something but not be that overbearing adult so I lean back and say, "Hey, guys...if you would like to hang out in the hallway and talk I'm sure the pizza will be ready soon and maybe you don't need to hear this message but some of your friends might so I would really appreciate it if you could just tone it down a little. Still have fun and enjoy yourselves and certainly stick around for the pizza and the band...but I really need you to help me out and just be a little more toned down, Okay?"

They calm down and later I even see a few of them in the crowd of decision makers.

It ends and the invitation starts. I wonder how many kids are going to come down when all of a sudden waves of them are walking down.

I head down and approach 2 very young looking little girls and find out they need a counselor. They are in 5th grade and came because one of their older brothers invited them. We all start making our way to the choir room where we can get out of the mass throng of kids and I feel a tug on my sweater. An absolutely beautiful little girl with teared stained eyes tells me her and her brother don't have a counselor and they don't know what to do or where to go so I grab them up and take them with me.

I prayed with 4 kids, 3 who rededicated their lives to Christ and 1...the younger brother of the girl that stopped me...who made a first time decision to accept Christ.

Can you say I had an amazing night?

Thank you, Father for putting me where you did last night and for bringing me Ethan, Bella, Christine and Meigan. I pray you continue to work your will in their lives and that one day they will think back to a pizza blast event and a volunteer that loved spending that time with them.

My Freedom

2009-02-02T08:38:00.001-06:00

If you aren't familiar with Krystal Meyers' song "Freedom" then go download it right now. Great song! Also, fantastic song to listen to at the gym.

Underneath this skin is a heart that's bleeding
Underneath that heart I'm waiting, and praying
Can You really feel what I'm feeling?
'Cause this world don't ask, it takes it steals

And can You feel this heart it's beating like a drum
It's beating it's calling out to You, will You come
And rain on this desert heart like only You can do?
Can you hear this soul is crying, my soul is crying
Calling out to You, will You come wash over me
Like only You can do, will You be my freedom?
Will You be my freedom?

When I am tempted to crawl back and hide my face
Will You wrap me up with love, truth and grace?
How'd I become the mess that I have made
I'm afraid to look you in the eye because of my shame

CHORUS

Will You be my freedom? Will You be my freedom?

How beautiful, yes it is
How wonderful to be set free

Can you hear this soul is crying, my soul is crying
Calling out to You, will You come wash over me
Like only You can do, will You be my freedom?
Will You be my freedom? Will You be my freedom?

You are my freedom

Why Me?

2009-02-01T19:42:00.000-06:00

I had a non Christian friend ask me recently why I wasn't more upset about losing my job and why I wasn't questioning God on allowing this to happen to me.

I thought about it for a minute then I told her that in all the years God has blessed my life beyond belief I've never asked him "Why me?" so why should I in times of trouble and uncertainty?

I didn't ask God "Why me?" when all 3 of my children came into my life healthy and perfect.

I didn't ask God "Why me?" when his grace filled me completely after the affair and my marriage was saved.

I have never asked "Why me?" for all the friends that have come into my life and stood by me through thick and thin.

Never asked "Why me?" when we were so very blessed to find our church home and the things we have learned over the last few years there.

My faith would be shallow indeed if now, when things seem a little fearful, to start asking "Why me?"

I have days I'm scared but overall...I'm good. God's got this. I trust you, Father.

I have had such a great week. I've been able to spend time in God's word, met my husband at the gym twice, had lunch with a friend that I was disconnected from, had some time in my favorite place...out in my yard...working in the dirt. Been able to pick up Colin early each day from day care and walk up to the bus stop and meet Josh. Able to sit down and do homework with my boys each afternoon before John gets home.

Things I never had the time to do without stress and rushing around before.

Now I'm sure when I start checking my bank account I'll worry a bit but for right now, losing my job is the best thing that has happened for me.

We have started a new series at church about what happens when God gets personal and let me tell you...I'm right in it right now. Me and God are personal...not just an idea or a pleasant way to spend a Sunday morning. We are in a deep personal place and I'm loving it.

But not once am I asking "Why me?" If I'm going to open my arms up and accept all the wonderful things God has brought into my life then I'm for sure not going to start questioning him now. I know all things work together for good and for his purpose and his glory.

I might not know what page we are on in the playbook right now but I know how it ends...I will come through this okay and God will get the glory.

Thank you so much for your phone calls and emails and letters checking in on us. We appreciate your words of encouragement and your comments so much!

This was when it changed...

2009-01-26T07:21:00.001-06:00

I got into my car on Saturday morning and I think the realization that I have no job really hit me. The majority of our household income came from my salary. All of our insurance was through my job. We luckily can get insurance through John's company but it isn't as good and is more expensive than what we had through mine.

I sat in the car for a little while and fear began to overwhelm me. But then I prayed and asked God to give me peace to calm my worried mind.

I flipped on the radio and this song was just coming on...

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Thank you, Father for carrying me. Thank you for reminding me that you always have. Thank you for your grace.

I had to drive to my office to clean out some things and it wasn't a fun morning. People stopping by to tell me how sorry they were and if there was anything they could do. I was determined to keep on a happy face and to not let them know how devastated I am.

One lady that works in my building that I don't know that well at all came into my office with a piece of paper. She said, "I'm supposed to give this to you today."

On the paper was written a prayer from a devotion that she gets via email each day.

It read:

Lord, help me have joy in my heart today, because as certain as you are, my circumstances will change. There will come a day when I too will be able to look back and say, "This was when it changed." Whether today, tomorrow or a long time, I set my heart to trust your timing and unfailing promises, regardless of present circumstances. In Jesus' name, amen.

Father, again thank you for your grace. Thank you for the reminders you send us that your promises are unfailing.

And now I have peace. My mind isn't troubled. My heart is still and calm. I know there will be days that I'm down about this but I also know it isn't going to be this way forever.

As certain as you are, Father, my circumstances will change. I set my heart to trust your timing.

Back from the Hospital

2009-01-23T09:59:00.000-06:00

Things went well. We had a little scare when they thought they might have to cancel the surgery today. The anestheiologist didn't like how his lungs sounded. But, they gave him a breathing treatment and had us wait a bit. She came back and listened again and said his lungs still sounded junky but that the surgery was so fast that she thought he would be fine. She reassured me they would have the measures there if he needed to be put on a breathing tube or anything like that.

They let me walk him down just outside of the OR then I had to hand him over. That is the worst feeling in the world.

I went back to his room and had time to listen to one song on my iPod before the doctor came in. I thought he was there to talk to us before he went in to do the surgery but he had already finished! I was shocked at how quickly he came back to us.

They brought him back to me about 20 minutes later and he was not a happy camper. He cried non stop all through check out and half way home in the van. But then he drifted off to sleep and has been asleep since then.

Poor little guy...I bet he is going to be starving when he wakes up.

I called Patrick and Josh's school and left a message for each of them that Colin did fine. Josh called me last night from my parent's house crying his eyes out that he wanted me to come get him and take him home. He NEVER does this when he stays with my parents.

I had to tell him that he had to stay there and I would pick him up this afternoon. He finally settled down when my Dad told him he would play poker with him. They bet with pennies. Go Grumps with the suggestion that calmed Josh down.

I don't think John or me slept much last night at all. We are about to take a nap while Colin is sleeping.

The hits just keep on coming...

2009-01-22T20:00:00.000-06:00

Back from the ENT with Colin. Not good.

The ENT had a hearing test done on him and he is actually losing his hearing due to all the fluid in his ears. He did very poorly on the test.

They have scheduled him for surgery at 6AM tomorrow.

I asked if it was necessary to do it so soon and he said, "Yes. It is."

The anesthesiologist came out and talked to me and she was super nice. Very reassuring.

She did say that because he is only 6 months old that sometimes in that age their hearts have a tendency to slow down when they are put under so they will be giving him a shot after he's under to speed up his heart rate.

She said it sounds scarier than it is but I don't think so. It sounds pretty scary to me.

Then I went to my office to pick up some of my things and was told I might not possibly be given some of the commission money I have EARNED because it wouldn't hit the books until March and you officially have to be on the payroll in order to get commissions.

I told my boss I expected him to address this with the higher ups and get it fixed for me.

He came back later and said all he could do was 6%...not the 10% I earned. So that sucks.

I can't really think about the job stuff right now. I'm just focused on Colin and getting him well.

John reminded me today that God won't give me anything that he doesn't know I can handle. I wish God didn't trust me so much.

I'm going to be a nervous wreck tomorrow even though I know it is a routinue procedure with very low risks.

So...I lost my job today.

2009-01-21T18:51:00.000-06:00

Yep. No warning. No idea it was coming. Went down for a 3PM meeting that I thought was about one thing then discovered it was about my losing my job.

I have one month's salary coming to me but my insurance will end January 31st.

I'm a little shell shocked...I gotta be honest. But, on the drive home I kept telling myself, "Everything works for good for those who love the Lord."

Time to put my faith that I claim into action. I trust you, Father. I know you haven't brought me this far to leave me now.

I was in management...the VP of Marketing...so I was the first to go. From what I hear there are going to be others in the next week.

I have to go to the office tomorrow and clean out my stuff, go through my files, say my goodbyes.

And it is going to suck. I love my job and the people I work with. I have no clue what I'm going to do or where I may end up but I want to think this is God's way to take me down a different path...one that may bring unexpected blessings that I never dreamed of.

I have to hold onto that because otherwise I'm going to cry and I just had my eyebrows done and that would be bad.

Please pray for me and my family. Pray specifically that I lean on God faithfully during this time. That I trust his plan above my own and not try to dictate my direction from here on out but follow the path he wants me on.

I have absolutely no idea how we are going to make things work financially if I don't find something in the next month. BUT, I know my God is bigger than that.

I have no idea how I'm going to write the check to pay the deposit for summer camp at the Y for my boys. BUT, I know my God is bigger than that.

I have no idea how I'm going to pay the car insurance due next month and both our life insurance policies. BUT, I know my God is bigger than that.

My mind is reeling on all the things I need to try and handle but for now, I want to sit back and take this all in and not make any rash decisions.

Just pray that I do what God desires.

We had a sermon recently about God breaking us and asking him to do so in order for him to make something better and completely new.

So...I guess this is God breaking me. Jesus, bring the rain. If that is what it takes for me to praise you...bring it.

I trust you, Father.

The Castle and the Poop

2009-01-21T12:44:00.000-06:00

This story came up over the weekend and I really need to post it.

When John and I first started dating Patrick was 4 years old. One afternoon we decided to take Patrick to the nearest Burger King to get a milkshake and to let him play in their castle.

It was a beautiful warm day and John and I were sitting, enjoying the sunshine. There were no other kids around and Patrick was in heaven. All of a sudden Patrick came running to us with a horrified look on his face. He had his hands up on either side of his face like the kid in Home Alone.

"MOMMY! OH, MOMMY! I pooped in the castle!"

I was confused at first about what he meant.

"Oh, sweetie...you had an accident in your pants when you were playing in the castle?"

"NO, MOMMY! IN the castle. I pooped IN the castle!"

It then hit me that he had pooped somewhere deep inside the plastic castle at Burger King.

I immediately turned to John and said, "What do we do?"

And like any good father he said, "Let's get out of here!"

But my mommy instincts kicked in and I said there was no way we could just leave it in there for some poor kid to come across.

So...John gathered some napkins and crawled his way into the castle.

A few minutes later he came out with a small parcel and deposited it in the trash can.

He then looked at me and said, "Don't ever tell me I don't love you."

And in that moment I knew this was the man I wanted to marry.

This story has made the rounds in our family. I didn't realize how much until recently when Patrick told Josh he was an annoying jerk Josh looked at him, smugly, and said, "Yeah?...At least I didn't poop in the castle!"

The secret of victory over any sin

2009-01-21T08:01:00.000-06:00

Refuse to entertain it. Even for a moment.

How often do we let negative thoughts and doubt keep us from what God wants for us? If you are me then the answer would be..."All the time."

I can be on the path to something I know God desires me to do or wants for me then BAM...out of nowhere...I start to doubt myself. Doubt my abilities. Doubt whether the path is right or not. Whether I'm supposed to be doing this or not. If I'm capable. If I'm the right person for the job.

Know what that is? Satan. Trying to mislead my thoughts. Trying to keep me from doing what I clearly know is God's will. Trying to stir up doubt in my mind.

I'm so thankful for God's patience with me. I think about life with my own children. How frustrated I get when I have asked them to do something over and over again and they still do their own thing. Bet that's what God feels like often.

There are things I want to keep my children from. Hurt. Disappointment. Anger. Rejection. Fear.

God wants the same thing for his children.

Things I want my children to grasp. Kindness. Integrity. Success and satisfaction with their lives. Peace.

And God wants the same thing for his children.

I'm making it a priority to keep on the path...to stay the course. To not let thoughts that clearly are not from God sway me.

What a great weekend!

2009-01-20T12:34:00.000-06:00

We had an amazing weekend with our friends from Chicago. It was a whole lot of talking and laughing and just enjoying each other's company. Also, there is nothing like having these 3 girls go shopping with me and tell me what works and what doesn't. Such a great time! I am so thankful for their friendship.

Colin has 2 ear infections again. We have been referred to an ENT Specialist at Children's South to talk about tubes. At this point it may be the best thing for all of us if he is going to keep getting these infections time and time again.

He's on a 3rd antibiotic right now to hopefully get us through until Thursday and see what that doctor has to say.

All 3 of my friends ended up going to church with me on Sunday morning and some good discussion generated from them going. I'll continue to pray for them and hope God has planted a seed.

Between Colin not feeling well and having company until last night I'm exhausted today.

Tonight is our monthly dinner with our neighbors and I am so glad it isn't my turn to host. Bless one of my sweet neighbors for understanding that I work and bringing a salad tonight would be wonderful for me.

I am still working on my Bible studies and have gotten great feedback on the 2 I've completed so far. I had 2 friends read them and give me their input.

I was able to watch the Inauguration today and what an amazing day! I pray he is a good leader for our country and that he and his family stay safe during these years.

Hi/Lo Thursday

2009-01-15T11:42:00.001-06:00

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on Riggs Family Blog (www.riggsfamilyblog.com):

My high for the week?

Last night's House of Prayer service that I blogged about earlier today. Amazing. Just beautiful.

My low for the week?

Hearing that some friends are filing for separation. Knowing without a doubt this is Satan getting in the way of something big God has planned for this weekend by throwing this obstacle up.

Finally, if you could spare a thought and prayer for the Riggs family I am sure they would appreciate it greatly. Pray for Abby and for peace for her parents.

House of Prayer

2009-01-15T08:44:00.000-06:00

This week has been an amazing week. I am continually astounded at how God works in ways I would never have imagined. After all...my thoughts are not his.

Last night at House of Prayer it was so moving and special...these sessions on Wednesday nights are turning into my favorite parts of our church.

We began by praying for our country...for revival...for our leaders. We broke off into groups of 3-5 and prayed aloud...all at the same time. It was this beautiful sound of quiet voices being lifted up all around the church.

Afterward we talked about needs in the church. So many people losing jobs, families without insurance now, marriage crisis, financial crisis, problems with their children, just on and on.

As each person shares their story others surround them and pray for them. How thankful I am that during these meetings we can be real and open and honest with each other. We don't hide behind worrying about what others might think. We don't feel ashamed to ask for help. We can cry out to our church and be willing to have them pray for us and with us.

I shared last night about my friends that are flying in tomorrow and will be attending church with me on Sunday. I was immediately surrounded by people, all praying for my friends, all praying that God will reveal himself in a way they can't deny he is real and he is God. Praying for them to have a safe flight. Praying for them to be open to seeing what God will reveal. Praying for me and my family to be good hosts and to continue to be an example. It was so humbling and moving.

So today...I'm especially thankful for:

My church and the leadership
The members of my church and their spirit for prayer over each other
The people God has brought into my life in the most unusual ways

Thank you, Father that you have brought me to this place. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for showing me your faithfulness over and over again. Thank you for anyone reading these words right now, Father. Bless them. Watch over them and their families. Put up walls of protection around them and reveal yourself to them in ways they have never imagined.

**UPDATED** God is so good. As I finished this up my friend, Leigh, who was at House of Prayer last night emailed me the following...thank you Leigh for your heart.

How are you this morning, friend? I woke up early with you and your friends on my mind and went before our God on their behalf. After I stopped praying, I opened my Bible and God sent me to Hebrews and I wanted to share a couple of verses with you that He put on my heart for you.

Hebrews 4:14

14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 10-23-25

23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

I’ve only been led to specific scriptures a couple of times in my life so I felt like I had to send these to you. I’m not sure exactly why God gave them to me, but I hope they mean something to you.

Please know you are in my heart today and always.
Love,
Leigh

Amber made me do it!

2009-01-15T07:40:00.000-06:00

Amber tagged me to do this photo deal...you go and find the folder you keep your photos in and grab the 4th one.

So...Halloween with John, Josh and Colin was my 4th picture. YAY!

Slow Fade

2009-01-14T07:44:00.000-06:00

In preparing some of these Bible studies I'm working on I am working on a section about obstacles in marriage. I'm discussing several obstacles but two in particular: infidelity and temptations.

It bugs me that the majority of stories you hear or movies of the week are always focused on the man being tempted...the man having the affair...the man leaving his family. It is a stereotype that is not accurate. Women are just as capable of giving in to temptation and having affairs. It happens. Trust me.

You are probably familiar with the Casting Crowns song, Slow Fade.

The first time I heard this song I swear it was written for me. It was creepy...like someone has your life under a microscope and knows exactly what is or has been going on.

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade...

I never meant to have an affair. I honestly ignored all the signs and warnings until I was well in over my head and quickly drowning in deceit. I had an ideal husband. Thoughtful. Handsome. Smart. Funny. A good Dad. Helps me around the house...if I make him a list. And he would want me to throw in rippling muscles here too. :o) From all outside eyes we had a great marriage. Compatible. Spent lots of time together. Took fun trips. Went on dates. Everything seemed perfect. Then it wasn't.

The reason our marriage almost failed was the strongest example I personally have ever had of how Satan works in our lives at times. I was thisclose to losing my marriage and my family over what I thought were greener pastures.

Only when I turned it over to God did my circumstances change. Yes, I had to put in tremendous effort, but that beginning point…that surrendering to God is what started the ball rolling. Yes, there was hurt and immense pain, disappointment, anger, bitterness and an overwhelming sense of failure. But now I can say with complete certainty there is peace. I hadn’t had peace in such a long time. I have it now and I won’t do anything to jeopardize it again. My life is far from perfect but having peace again is something I value every single day.

I became close to someone in my office and a few conversations turned into long lunches, then spending more and more time together, then emails throughout the day, then an ongoing physical, emotional and mental affair. It got to the point I considered life without my husband and my children in order to continue to have this relationship. At one point I convinced myself that my children would actually be better off if I weren’t a part of their lives. This man had a wife and 2 wonderful children as well. Not only was I throwing away my children’s security and happiness but his children’s too. We had ourselves convinced it eventually would be better for everyone if we were together because then we would be so HAPPY. The myth of happiness that we let ourselves believe. The myth that Satan perpetuates in our minds.

My husband confronted me with my affair on 3 separate occasions and each time I begged his forgiveness. I cried. I pleaded. I made all sorts of promises. I swore it would never happen again and every single time I failed. And every single time he forgave me and we tried to put it behind us. We didn’t go to counseling. We didn’t pray about it. We just said we were going to be okay and then we went right on along the same path and we couldn’t figure out why we kept getting the same results. We would take a fantastic trip together, just the two of us, and think that was the way to get our marriage back in focus. And each time we ended up back at square one.

I put my marriage, my family, my career, my reputation and everything that mattered to me at risk for absolutely nothing. But, at the time, I thought it was everything and I couldn’t see past the facade of that relationship to see how much I was truly risking by being in it.

I remember walking in once on my husband, literally on his knees, praying after I had yet again broken my promises and yet again been found out. I don’t know exactly what he was praying for. The ability to forgive? Strength? Courage? I actually laughed at him and remember saying, “Good luck with that…it doesn’t work.” I had allowed Satan to have such a stronghold in my life that I didn’t even believe in prayer any longer.

I would be driving home after work or a business trip, after spending time with this other man and thinking that I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. I didn’t want to feel convicted about what I was doing. I didn’t want anymore guilt. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not have to think about the consequences or feel remorse. I asked God once to just let me go. I was so angry and disgusted that I shouted out loud in the car, “LET ME GO…LEAVE ME ALONE” and I heard a barely audible voice reply so kindly and patiently “I can’t.” I have never audibly heard the voice of God until this day. And I felt a warmth and a peace but I pushed it aside.

Again, I kept trying it my way. I quit my job to remove myself from seeing this person every day and within 2 days of leaving I was seeing him again even more than when we worked together. I couldn’t break this bond I thought we had no matter what I tried to do. We discussed plans for the future we thought we had and tried to figure out a way to minimize the damage we knew we were going to create.

After being confronted a third time by my husband and him telling me he couldn’t do it anymore and he was leaving me, I remember talking to God and saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t walk away from this other relationship even if it costs me everything. But, if you will help me get this person out of my heart and my mind and my life I’ll try but I can’t do it by myself. You have to help me.”

After I prayed this I made a decision to have no contact with this other person. I started out telling myself I would try to go a week and not call or email or see him. I honestly didn’t know if I could do it but I knew I was going to try and see what happened.

One week turned into a month…then 2 months then 6 months and so on. I made a promise to my husband that I would never hurt him like I had again and it’s a promise I intend to keep with God’s help.

We started seeing a counselor together and we made an effort to do what it took…whatever it took…to heal our marriage. And it took a lot. It was work. It was not easy in the least and it still isn't. It is a daily affirming of our comittment to our marriage.

Here we are a little over 2 years later and we are in a better place than we ever have been before. We are closer than we have ever been before. Yes, he still does things that I could break his neck for and I’m sure I do the same…but our stake is in the ground. We aren’t going anywhere. I begin my day each morning with a prayer thanking God for my husband, for my children and for peace again. I know with certainty he’s the only man I’ll ever love for the rest of my life and he’s the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Not everyone has to go through something like this to understand God’s faithfulness but I’m hard headed. I have to crash into that brick wall before I learn God’s lessons.

It’s my prayer daily that God continues to strengthen my marriage and makes me into the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.

I tell you all this to assure you there isn’t anything in your life right now that is bigger than God’s grace and God’s faithfulness.

He has so many blessings he wants to pour out into our lives but we prevent him from doing so by our choices and sinful nature. It’s only when we surrender and tell him we place our burden in his hands that we can begin to heal and begin to experience the life he wants for us. Sometimes it takes 2 years…sometimes longer…but God is faithful.

Unexpected Happenings

2009-01-13T14:02:00.000-06:00

There is some stuff going on that may result in my leading a much needed Bible study for women at our church. I'm working it out with a good friend from our Small Group, approaching the appropriate church leadership to get it off the ground and fleshing out some topics.

So far I have:

Marriage: Overcoming Obstacles and Learning to Lean on God’s Faithfulness
Becoming a Woman with the Heart of a Servant
How Women are Attacked through Our Emotions
Surrendering Our Kids to God
The Stronghold of Fear
Even Jesus Said No at Times: Taking Time Out and Not Feeling Guilty About It
God Loves Impossible Odds

And then I have a very tongue in cheek one that John thinks I should leave out all about vanity entitled: All You Really Need in Life is Jesus and Good Hair.

I am very much in prayer over this...how it is shaping up...how the topics are coming together...how I can be an effective leader.

But I'm excited about the direction it is going in. It is a very unexpected turn of events but it is funny how God works like that some times.

Not me, Monday.

2009-01-12T08:11:00.000-06:00

And now a list of things that I totally did not do in the last week...

As I was pacing the floor with Colin, I did not see pears on his eyebrow from an attempt to get him to eat something, and lick them off. Not me! I would have stopped and gotten him a warm washcloth and bathed his little face lovingly.

After arguing with my husband about something truly stupid, I never would have intentionally hidden his gym shoes so he couldn't go work out. Not me! I am above such petty, childish acts. I would have sat down with him and talked about my need for him to stay home and help me with the boys in a mature, adult fashion. Our marriage is a beacon for all others and we never drop down to such tactics.

I did not put bacon in the microwave for Josh and instead of setting it for 30 seconds set it for 3 minutes. Not me! I'm a culinary genius and everything I cook turns out to perfection.

I did not let Josh and Patrick stay in their jammies for 3 days straight and finally Josh said, "Mommy...don't we need to take a shower some time?" I also did not forget to have them brush their teeth for 2 days either. Not me! I am a mother who is on top of it at all times and even when I'm exhausted I keep my kids clean and healthy.

I did not tell my 6 year old that Santa had a month clause where he could come back and take all the toys he brought if you didn't behave. Not me! I'm a patient mother who uses these little instances as teachable moments.

I did not make a resolution to get healthy this year and stop eating junk and drop 15pounds then follow it up THE VERY NEXT DAY by eating a cheddar burger, chili fries and a chocolate peanut butter shake at Johnny Rockets. Not me! I am the very picture of willpower.

I most certainly did not take the offer of my very sweet neighbor to take the boys for a few hours so John and I could get some sleep and then spend that time vegging out on the couch playing the Wii. Not me! I would have used this time wisely to catch up on my sleep or do the mounds of laundry around my house.

Because my office has been really quiet lately, I certainly did not bring a book with me to read. Not me! I am a productive employee who never would have taken advantage of my company in such a way by reading a book in my office, while wearing comfy socks and drinking hot chocolate. I would have taken initiative and found something to do to keep myself busy.

Seeking Approval from People or God?

2009-01-09T10:48:00.000-06:00

Just finished reading a good book all about whether we are seeking God's approval or the approval of people.

There was a section of questions that helped you decide where you fell in the spectrum that I found interesting.

1) Am I preoccupied with the opinion of others? For me, personally, not so much.

2) Do I confront corporately, but not personally? I'm in the middle on this one.

3) Do I become self-conscious, paranoid or intimidated easily? In the middle.

4) Am I defensive or antagonistic when I am criticized, rejected or corrected? YES

5) Do I have to retain control over others most of the time? DOUBLE YES.

6) Am I frequently nervous and does my nervousness lead to demonstrating nervous habits? No.

7) Do I exaggerate the facts or give partial information to improve my image? No.

8) Do I drop names so others will be impressed? No.

9) Do I have trouble being transparent and honest with people about my weaknesses, fearing they will think less of me if they know the truth about me? Nope.

10) Are my feelings easily hurt? Not easily hurt but when they are I tend to focus on it longer than I should.

11) Do I have difficulty serving others? No...I do believe I have a servant's heart on things.

12) Do I have difficulty allowing others to serve me? Yes. Absolutely.

On repeat in my iPod lately

2009-01-08T12:28:00.000-06:00

Love this song.

Praying in the garden
You saw the crowd a-coming
Betrayed by the one that called you King
You could’ve called a band of angels
To come and save the day
But instead you chose to stay
You didn’t run away

In the very front of your mind
While the blood was flowing
You saw my face as you cried
Certain in knowing
Tears, blood, and pain in the sand
True love was pouring
True love was pouring from your hand

Bruised and beaten
Appeared you were defeated
But things aren’t always what they seem
They thought when they placed your body
Into an empty grave
It would end all debate
But the stone was rolled away

In the very front of your mind
While the blood was flowing
You saw my face as you cried
Certain in knowing
Tears, blood, and pain in the sand
True love was pouring
True love was pouring from the
Same hand that washes clean
And sets the captive free
Same hand that calmed the sea
And the one that rescued me

In the very front of your mind
While the blood was flowing
You saw my face as you cried
Certain in knowing
Tears, blood, and pain in the sand
True love was pouring
True love was pouring from your hand.

Ready? Set? Read!

2009-01-06T16:40:00.000-06:00

I had intended to roll this out January 1st but then...well, life happened and John got sick and Colin got sick and there you go. I'm a few days late. Bygones.

ANYway...remember when you used to read and how much you loved it? No? Well then haven't you always wanted to read more? Here's your chance.

The 2009 52 Book Project. That's right. 52 books in 2009. You can do it...I promise.

Soon I'll have a button added to my blog you can add to your blog if you want to participate in the challenge.

It's easy. Just read on average one book every week. For those weeks when life happens, read something short. Books of the Bible totally count so use this to help you read more of God's word. There are some short books too so use them on those weeks you need the boost.

Update and post your list as you finish each book and hopefully this time next year we'll look back and see our accomplishments.

Once we get this up and running recommend books to others, see something on the list you want to book swap with someone else, encourage and hold accountable your friends participating. Post about it on your blog and get others in on the fun.

I believe in setting goals/making resolutions but making them attainable too so you don't feel like a failure when you can't live up to the unrealistic resolution you made. (I told you I'm still working on losing some weight from 2002...I'll let you know if I reach that goal in 2009). This one should be pretty easy to keep up with and fun to boot!

So jump right in! Post a comment if you would like to participate and once I get the button made we can go from there in getting the word out and making this something fun and encouraging.

I'll start...

1. The Sound of God's Applause: Living a Life that Glorifies the Father by Les Hughes

Now go read!

52 in 2009!

Back.

2009-01-05T14:12:00.001-06:00

Back from a very long and tiring morning at the doctor. First off, I am so thankful for the group we go to. It is a thirty minute drive from our house and when people ask me why in the world I drive so far when there are perfectly good doctors around here I tell them it is because I have complete trust in this group. They have been with me through some rocky scares with my boys and every single time they reassure me, they walk me through the medical jargon and they listen to me.

Colin's regular doctor was out of the office today so we saw another one. Love her. She took about 15 minutes with Colin just listening to his chest and looking in his ears and talking to him. No in and out with these guys.

She handed him back to me and said that his lungs sound okay but he has 2 of the worst looking ears she has seen. In fact, she said if they had any medical students or interns in the office today she would have asked our permission to let them examine Colin as well to see this kind of infection.

She said we could try a third antibiotic or we could get aggressive and do a shot today, one tomorrow, one Wednesday then recheck things. I asked her, as I always do, "What would you do if this were your baby?" and without hesitation she told me she would do the round of 3 shots. She said Colin is in pain and this will help get him better faster.

So that's what we are doing. Got the first shot today then had to stick around for half an hour to make sure he had no kind of reaction. I'll work from home tomorrow and take him back for the 2nd one and then we'll just see how things go on Wednesday as to whether John will take a day off or if I'll work from home again.

Thank you so much for the comments and emails and prayers. I appreciate each and every single one.

Last night was rough...he cried and cried and cried and then I cried and cried because I just didn't know what to do for him and felt like I was failing him somehow by not making it better.

Lots of prayer lifted up and snuggling with him on the couch helped us both calm down. But, then he would cough and gag and gasp in his sleep so I got no sleep at all until 3:30 this morning. I finally gave in and woke John up and asked him if he could take over so I could at least get 3-4 hours.

Exhausted today but glad that we hopefully are going to turn a corner.

Thanks again!

Still not better

2009-01-04T04:00:00.000-06:00

4AM. Can't sleep. Have been up walking back and forth with Colin until the poor, tired baby gave in to sleep. Now he's on the couch laying on his Daddy's chest and I'm watching both of them sleep and thinking we are going to the doctor first thing on Monday.

I have to think that after 2 rounds of antibiotics and this many days he would be showing improvement. He isn't worse really...just no change...still miserable.

Our neighbor did watch the boys for a couple hours yesterday and she said he slept most of the time but that he wasn't the same Colin he usually is.

His regular doctor is out of the office on Monday but I really like one of the others in the group so I'm hoping she will be in.

Maybe I'm just not being patient but I want him to show some sign of getting better after this much time and this much medicine going into his little body.

I'm keeping the Tylenol in him and that seems to help...he gets REALLY cranky if I miss a dose due to him napping.

He normally will take an 8 ounce bottle every 4 or so hours and he is now doing maybe 5 ounces every 6 hours. Refusing any baby food at all. At least he is eating something...if he still was refusing food completely we would have already been back at the doctor long ago.

John is responding well to the 4 prescriptions he got...$200 worth WITH insurance. I don't know how people without insurance do it...I guess they don't get the medicine they truly need. I complain about the cost of our health care all the time but thank God we have it.

I don't sleep well when any of the boys are sick so I'm also ready for Colin to feel better so I can selfishly get some rest.

I'll work from home on Monday, get him back to the doctor and go from there.

He doesn't show the same signs Josh did when he had RSV so that is a very good thing but I'm still worried about this congestion all in his chest.

Yuck!

2009-01-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling worse. Colin seems to be making a little improvement but if we don't see some major changes by tomorrow he is heading back to the doctor first thing on Monday.

And...I finally convinced John to go to the doctor today. Pneumonia. Yep. Not the contagious bacterial kind though so...Yay. I guess?

Our very sweet neighbor that I haven't talked to in a couple weeks called and asked if she could please take the boys for a few hours tomorrow for us to go see a movie or something. A movie? What's that? I explained to her that the baby was sick...I was sick...John was sick and then...bless her heart...she said that was even more reason for her to take the boys for a few hours.

So she will be taking them tomorrow around lunchtime and I think we will actually spend our coveted grown up alone time trying to get a few hours sleep. I know...EXCITING!

I have so many plans I wanted to get accomplished over this holiday weekend but I'm not sure any are going to get done. I may try and recaulk the master bathroom myself tomorrow if I can manage.

I don't feel just horrible but I think it could easily turn into something if I don't get some rest and take it easy. I have a tendency to push myself instead of recognizing that I need to take a break and let things/projects go.

We shall see.

Hope you had a Happy New Year!

We may be heading back to the doctor...

2008-12-31T10:23:00.000-06:00

**UPDATE** Colin woke up from his nap and took 5 ozs. He normally takes between 6-8 but I'll take 5. Our pediatrician called me from home...he is out of the office today so I had left a message for him. He said Colin should be much better at this point so it sounds like the infection has moved into his chest and this antibiotic isn't doing its job. He is phoning in a stronger antibiotic and wants us to keep a check on his breathing and go from there. Said this med should make him feel better in a couple days and if not, call back on Saturday or Monday.

Poor baby is just miserable and I guess we are in for another few sleepless nights. I just want him to feel better and not be so uncomfortable. I've been being his pillow for the last few days and he sleeps so much better like that than lying in his bed.

Even after 4 1/2 days on the antibiotic Colin doesn't seem to be improving. In fact, he seems to be getting worse. The doctor told us to call him back on Friday if things didn't look drastically better but I'm thinking we may go see him today.

He is just miserable and now he is refusing to eat. He hasn't had anything since 3:30 this morning.

My mother is with him right now so I could finish up a couple things in the office and once he wakes up from his nap if he won't take his bottle or eat any fruit or sweet potatoes (his favorite) then I'm taking him back in.

I know everything will be closed tomorrow and maybe I'm being paranoid but better safe than sorry.

I know how fast Josh went from a minor cold to full blown RSV and in the hospital for 4 days when he was a baby so I get a little antsy about these things...

No more tears...and whole hearted

2008-12-30T14:11:00.000-06:00

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4

Can you imagine a place like this? No tears. No pain. No crying. No death.

I was talking to a non Christian close friend this morning and we got around to talking about death. She told me she wishes she had faith because then she would have something to look forward to and believe there will be something more when we die. But, she believes once you die you are dead. There is nothing more.

What a sad way to go through life.

Something Josh reminded me of recently. I can't remember exactly when we started doing this but as I leave for my office each morning the boys are usually at the breakfast table, eating. I give them a kiss on the head and tell them I love them. Josh will ask me, "How much?" And I say..."My whole heart." This satisfies him and he goes back to his cereal and Sponge Bob. Yes...I let my kids watch Sponge Bob. Bygones...not the point of this.

When I was driving into the office...I do all my best thinking and talking to God and worshipping in my car on my half hour drive in...I thought about loving with my whole heart.

I can assure you I love my husband with my whole heart. I haven't always been able to say this in the last 8 1/2 years but in the last 2? Absolutely. I love my kids with my whole heart. And I love my friends with my whole heart. I love them warts and all and I accept them how they are. They disappoint me at times and they make me angry at times and they hurt me at times...but I love them whole hearted.

Do I love Jesus with my whole heart or do I hold back a portion? Do I chase after him with such passion that my heart explodes?

Now is the time I always think back over the year and make resolutions for the new year that I rarely keep. I'm still working on losing those 10 pounds from 2002.

I'm going to add "Love Jesus with my whole heart" to the list and see where it takes me.

Don't get me wrong...I love Jesus. I love worshipping. I love singing my heart out. I love studying my Bible. I love teaching the Small Group we teach. I love building the relationships I've built over the last few years.

But is it with my whole heart?

My Not So Stellar Night

2008-12-30T10:40:00.000-06:00

I promise you that if a roving band of gypsies knocked on my door last night I would have given my two oldest children to them. I take that back...I would have PAID the gypsies to take them.

Maybe it is after Christmas energy or maybe they are tired of being cooped up with Gran and Grumps. I don't know.

I ended up blowing up at Patrick, who absolutely deserved to be punished, but I should have handled it better than I did.

John got home to a very cranky wife, one kid upstairs sulking, one kid downstairs crying because his older brother hurt his feelings and a sick baby.

I did have dinner on the table though so it wasn't a total disaster.

He gave me an hour to myself to unwind and get things back under control.

Now today I'll suffer Mom Guilt about how I should have sat down with them and talked it out and used it as a teachable moment.

But last night...yeah...gypsies.

Selfish Desires

2008-12-29T13:38:00.000-06:00

I just wrapped up a lesson on prayer from Ephesians. It was so needed right now. All about how we sometimes want to treat God like a giant pinata and we pray to him our desires then whack him with our prayer stick and expect him to pour out blessings on us. Vivid imagery thinking of God as a pinata, huh?

Part of my gift for Christmas is that later in January three very close friends are flying in from Chicago to visit me for 4 days. I am beyond excited by this because with having Colin and being pregnant I haven't gotten to see them in over a year. I miss them so much. We keep in touch daily via email and blogs and whatnot but there is something about having them here, being able to hug on them and have them meet my little guy.

Now, all 3 of these ladies are not Christians. They are so respectful of my beliefs and I talk about them openly but they are not interested in pursuing a relationship with God. They know I pray for them. They know where I stand.

Well the minute I found out they were coming I started stressing out over the church service that Sunday. I planned on asking them to accompany me to my church and I know that they will do it out of love for me even though it isn't something they would normally do.

Will the music be just right? Will the pastor's sermon be something amazing? Should I call and explain to him that he needs to pump it up a notch for my girls? I started telling God that I needed him to show up in a major way...really do something spectacular to reveal himself to my friends and something they can't deny is the power of God.

And then my Abba, Father convicted me that I'm praying for something that is a very true desire of my heart but I'm going about it the wrong way. It isn't my job to arrange things perfectly so they are overcome and turn to him.

It is my job to live my life daily as a witness and let him do the rest. Plant the seed. Expose them to my life on a daily basis and things I struggle with and overcome with God's grace. Not orchestrate an amazing worship service. Not have everything in place for this show to be played out. Maybe the service will be something amazing that day but that isn't the point.

My prayer needs to be that God works his will in whatever way he sees fit and I'm there to glorify and honor him no matter what. His will...not mine and how I think it should play out.

So my prayer is changing from wanting everything to be perfect to wanting everything to be how God wants it. It isn't my job to save people...it's my job to live a life of example.

More pictures from Christmas...

2008-12-29T11:48:00.000-06:00

I love Christmas but I'm glad it is over...

2008-12-29T08:45:00.000-06:00

I woke up yesterday morning and just needed to clean things. All the clutter. All the decorations. The tree. The leftovers. Everything had to go. All that is left are the outdoor decorations and I'll get John to take those down on Thursday.

We had such a good Christmas. The boys were happy with their gift...a Wii. John surprised me with a gift card to the spa I frequent, a DVD, and a book. My parents gave me a new blender/food processor, a stick blender and new towels. John's parents gave us money for us to buy our own gifts.

We drove down to see John's kids and parents on Saturday. I made a concentrated effort this year with his kids. Things are progressing but slowly. Usually we give them money because their mother would throw away gifts we gave. This year we gave them money but I took time to specifically select a book for each of them...something I knew would be meaningful based on my recent conversations with them. I got my stepdaughter a book all about horses and she loved it. My youngest stepson got a book all about the history of Alabama football and he was pleased. My oldest stepson got a book about world history and he seemed to like it as well. I also got each of them some clothes. This brings me to our next hurdle...

When the kids come to our house we immediately have to wash the clothes they bring in their suitcase. We don't do it so they see us but their clothes smell so bad we have to do something. They have a bunch of pets they have taken in over the last few years and the entire house smells like cat urine. The clothes have pet fur all over them and they smell horrible. Usually we can get the clothes to an acceptable level but the shoes are another story. John washed one pair 2 times and they still smelled to high heaven of cat pee. He mentioned it to their mother when he took them home and she gave him a very curt, "I don't smell anything" as an answer.

I'm not sure what we can do other than start buying clothes/shoes for them to keep at our house. I can only imagine how other kids react to them at church for instance. I mean this is not just a faint smell...they stink. I have mentioned to John that he needs to have a talk with the 15 year old about deodorant and maybe try to talk to him. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I seriously wanted to gag when they got in the car last weekend. How their mother can let her children go out like this and live in these conditions floors me.

Any suggestions?