I have to smile...

Oh...the providence of God.

I went out to the mailbox this morning and in it was an insurance package from Blue Cross.

With coverage effective for all of us 3/1/2009.

Not April 1st...March 1st.

I had been told there was no way they would be able to process it by March 1st.

Guess God had a different plan.

Thank you, Father.

Next hurdle...my former company owes me about $3,000 in commissions from my last month and it is proving to be very difficult to try and obtain this so far. I'm holding onto that they are going to keep their word and take care of this for me but I'll feel better once that check is in my hand. They have paid me my last month severance check and paid out my 3 weeks of vacation so maybe this is just a temporary snag.

I had a long talk with John last night and I feel so much better today. I explained to him that I know he is worried/frustrated as well but I need some input from him. I need him to talk to me and give me ideas and not just shrug his shoulders when I present a problem. I have felt lately like all this is on me and while that is not his intention...that is how it comes across to me at times.

Also, God has convicted me so much about how materialistic I've been in the past. There is very little I can do to go and fix what has already been done but man, will I make better decisions in the future.

I have a generous heart and I love buying gifts for friends and plan to continue to do so...I love that part of my heart. That isn't what I'm talking about.

But...I also have big cases of the Wants the majority of the time...not the Needs...the Wants.

I was complaining to a friend about how awful it was to go through the experience at the doctor's office and that I'm sure thousands of other mothers go through that then have to walk back out to their cars...and then it hit me. I do not mean this to sound pretentious in the least but God pushed it in the forefront of my mind so strongly...

I'm walking out to my VOLVO...to drive home to my very nice house. Thousands of other mothers don't do that. They may not have a car or it is on its last legs. They may drive to an apartment or a home not big enough for their family.

When I bought the car 4 years ago I felt like I deserved something I really, really wanted. I was doing better than I ever had in my career and making more money than I ever had before. I picked it out and it was inside my price range and I WANTED it. I love the car. It is the best car I've ever driven and I feel safe in it.

BUT...and this is the important part...I didn't NEED it. There were plenty of other cars that would have suited our needs just fine.

It was totally a status thing. Prideful. A want on my part. John was against spending that much money for a car but since it was money from my job we were using he gave in.

There is nothing wrong with having nice things...but have I let those things define me in the past?

So much to think about and so much to learn from this season in my life.

I set my heart to your timing...

Today has not been a good day. I'm not reacting well to most everything today.

It all started with my having to take 2 of the boys to the doctor...with no health insurance in place. I've never been in this situation in my life. Our new coverage won't start until April 1st and I was hoping against hope we wouldn't have to make any doctor visits until then.

Yes, I could go back and pay COBRA and it would be $1K each month. I just can't do that right now with no job certain. And yes, we could get insurance through John's job that has a $6K deductible. Yes...$6,000.

I also couldn't sit home and let the boys be sick and not do anything about it so I sucked up my pride and went to the doctor.

Once he came in I told him the situation and he was as nice as he could be. He's been our doctor for almost 13 years and I've never paid a bill late so he knows this is an unusual thing.

He sent the lady from the business office in and she told me they were only going to charge me a standard office visit ($120) for both boys and that I could pay it in portions if I needed to. I told her that $120 was great and I would pay it all today.

If you knew me in real life at all you would know I am not a crier. I hate to cry...I rarely do it. But the nurse was in doing oxygen tests on Colin and when the business lady came in and I started to tell her the situation I felt big huge tears rolling down my face and nothing I did made them stop.

It was just such a humiliating feeling...I know I did nothing wrong to lose my job and I'm doing everything I can to get a new one and to get our insurance back in place but to feel like I know thousands of mothers feel like every single day was humbling and sad.

I get home and then John tells me that effective March 15th everyone in his company is having to take a 7% decrease in salary.

I check my email and a well meaning old coworker sent me pictures from the birthday party they just had for the CEO of the company and all I could think was..."Why am I not there?"

Add to this the fact that it has rained cats and dogs and I'm afraid we have a leak in our roof that will just have to wait for now.

Add to this an email I get from one of my closest friends about some terrible stuff she is going through with her ex-husband, who is also a friend of mine and so deep in sin right now it's blinding him. I can't even get into it because it breaks my heart. It physically makes me hurt.

It is all just too much today. Add that to about 3 hours of sleep and I'm not my usual self.

Tomorrow I'll be back to being fully confident that God is in control and he will work this out for good and I'll see the lesson in this but for tonight? I'm so tired and all I know to do is take it to him.

My frustration. My sadness. Just pour it out and let him take it over. And even in this...God is STILL so good.

I truly don't know how people get through life without faith and without God.

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say...Blessed be your name.

Jesus Conquered the Grapes!

My sweet friend, Leigh, has an amazing little girl. She is so perceptive and tenderhearted and she gets things more than a lot of 6 year olds. She loves church and she loves to pray for people. When Colin was going through all his ear problems Leigh told me they prayed every night for "baby Colin's little bitty ears."

Anyway her little girl likes the song "Mighty to Save" and the part about Jesus conquering the grave? Well...to her it is "Jesus conquered the grapes."

Is that not one of the cutest things you've heard all day today? LOVE IT.

In job news...I've had several interviews this week. A couple that went nowhere and one that might just work. I really liked the guy and he remembered meeting me from 4 years ago and said when he heard I was looking he wanted to see what he might be able to do. YAY for making good impressions! He is getting some tests together he would like me to take as a formality and then he wants to talk about what I can live with and what he might be able to offer.

The salary might be slightly under what I was making but as a trade off he asked me what types of things would be on my Wish List of wants/needs for a job that might make up for a little bit of the salary. I told him I would like to keep the flexibility in my schedule that I've had for the last 5 years. I like to get into the office by 7AM but come 3:30/4PM I'm gone. He said that might be doable. I also asked to be able to work from home one day a week during June/July/August and he didn't balk too much at that either.

We shall see. I've prayed before walking into every one of these interviews that if it isn't where God wants me then I don't want to be there.

Enjoying this week a lot so far. Had a good House of Prayer service again last night. I'm possibly going to a prison in Alabama next Friday to do some ministry work there with a women's group. Waiting to hear for sure if I'm set to do that.

I spent a long time at the piano yesterday and finished writing a song I've started and stopped at least 100 times over the last few years. Very pleased with how it turned out.

Today looks like yard work if the weather will cooperate with me. And I'm having lunch with Josh at school. We have made this a weekly tradition.

God is so good.

When God Gets Personal...with His Goodness

Notes from our sermon yesterday:

Psalm 34:8-9 (The Message)

8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.

9 Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness.

1) In order to understand the full goodness of God we must understand the nature of evil/Satan.

2) Because of the goodness of God we don't experience unrestrained evil in this world.

3) The goodness of God is a constant, never-changing attribute of God. He can't be any more good today than he was yesterday or he will be tomorrow.

4) We need the goodness of God because on our own, we aren't good.

5) Although God is good, he does not force his goodness on anyone.


I also missed posting my notes for a week...here is an update from the 2/1 sermon:

When God Gets Personal...With His Mission

Genesis 12 & 22
Acts 9

1) Believing that God exists doesn't satisfy what God requires of us.

Hebrews 11:6 (The Message)

5-6 By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

2) Our relationship with God is dynamic and changing, not static and status quo.

3) When God gets personal he wants us ALL IN.

4) When God gets personal he requires unconditional obedience.

5) A personal relationship with God is costly. It will cost you something.

6) A true relationship with God beings in worship and doesn't just end in it.

When God Gets Personal...With My Rebellion

Jonah 1-4

My notes from the sermon on Sunday:

1) God is concerned with his agenda...not my own.

2) When God gets personal...things start to happen.

3) The effects of my sin may not be apparent until it's too late.

4) You can have all the right answers about God but still not be in the middle of his will.

5) Repentance is not based on feelings or intentions, but on intentional actions.

6) God goes to extreme measures to reveal himself to people who rebel against him.

7) God sends storms to get our full and undivided attention quickly or when we haven't listened to him otherwise.

8) Sometimes the message of a storm is not for me. It's for somebody else.

I hope to have some time to flesh out these thoughts later tonight or tomorrow.

Tonight is our monthly dinner with our neighbors and it looks like Colin is going to stay home with me tomorrow. He has the sniffles.

Do I trust God?

Sure, we all say we do...but do I really trust him? With everything?

I know I trust him with my soul...my eternity...

But how about my occupation? Do I trust him enough to do whatever he points me toward?

How about my finances? Do I trust him enough to release all control of my money to whatever he leads me to?

My kids? Do I trust him enough to put their destiny completely in his hands...no matter what that might mean? No matter what they may have to go through?

How easy it is for me to tell people that I trust God with my salvation and my eternity but then I turn around and try to hang onto my kids or my finances or 100 other aspects of my life.

Why don't I trust him completely in these areas at times? Do I not believe in his promises? Do I not think he will take care of me? Do I not think he is good and all things work together for good for those who love him?

I woke up this morning at 3AM thinking about 3 particular areas...my occupation...my finances and my kids. Do I really give them over completely to God or do I hold back part of the control on those things and think my way is better?

Do I only trust God with my soul but not my children? They are his to begin with...he's just entrusted me with them as their earthly parent. Do I trust him enough to give them back to him if that is his plan?

Do I trust him enough to give money away to those I feel led to give it to even though I don't see how my own finances will work if I do? He's good enough for me to trust with where I'll spend forever but not good enough for me to believe he'll take care of me?

I'm really evaluating how much I trust him and while it is scary it is also exciting to see these things revealed to me.

We had a great sermon about Jonah yesterday and I'm going to type up my notes from it either later today or tomorrow.

We are in the middle of a series entitled "When God Gets Personal" and it is making me think so much.

Yesterday's topic was: "When God Gets Personal With My Rebellion" Jonah 1-4.

More to come...right now there is a baby waking up that sounds none too pleased. :o)

How can I race against horses?

Are you familiar with this conversation between God and Jeremiah? I love this.

Jeremiah 12
Jeremiah's Complaint
1 You are always righteous, LORD, when I bring a case before you. Yet I would speak with you about your justice: Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all the faithless live at ease? 2 You have planted them, and they have taken root; they grow and bear fruit. You are always on their lips but far from their hearts.

Jeremiah is ready to have it out with God about his justice. He's READY. And God reminds him that bigger things are coming. Harder things are around the bend. If you are tired from the simple things...how can you tackle the big ones coming?

Jeremiah 12:5 (The Message)

5-6 "So, Jeremiah, if you're worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? And if you can't keep your wits during times of calm, what's going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?

Jeremiah 12:5 (New Living Translation)

The Lord’s Reply to Jeremiah

5 “If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble and fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets near the Jordan?

Father, Help me to remember that it is not my part to question your justice. I may see things I don't understand. I may want answers but I'm here struggling with the race among people...I'm not ready for the horses yet.

I'm Waiting...

I just love how God sends you messages when you least expect it...like when you are vacuuming your stairs.

I had my iPod on and was tackling the stairs in our house when this song came on and it struck me how appropriate it is during this season in my life. So, I stopped what I was doing and really listened to the words. I played it a second time and I spent some time on my knees as the words and the meaning behind the song poured over me.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord.

Last night at House of Prayer we talked about Moses and how he was always going up the mountain to be with God...to listen...to get instruction. How God wanted Moses separate...away from all the distractions...just alone with him.

And Moses found things on the mountain. He found God Himself. He found himself...Moses. And he found the will of God for his life.

Later in Exodus there is a great battle and again, Moses isn't on the battlefield...he's up on that mountain. He has his arms raised and as long as he does they are winning. They win the battle because of what is going on on the mountaintop...not what is going on on the battlefield.

I feel like I need to find a mountain and go be with God...to listen...to get instruction...away from all the distractions.

So Very Thankful

1) I have 3 healthy children.
2) I have a husband that loves me when I am not very lovable.
3) I have friends that stand by me through thick and thin.
4) I have neighbors that are a phone call away.
5) I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry.
6) I have the best church I could ever ask for.
7) I have clothes hanging in my closet...even if some of them are a little snug.
8) I have the amazing grace of God pouring over me daily.

It is so easy to get hung up on the things I don't have right now but thank you, Father, for bringing to my mind all the things I DO have that others don't.

Thank you for working your paths out and bringing me to people that I can help. Thank you for showing me areas I have gifts in that I can use for your glory. Thank you for reminding me that I am rich beyond belief in comparison to others and circumstances they go through.

Out of sorts

I'm kinda blah today. Nothing really wrong and it isn't a job thing. I just feel down. It may be that I've had a lot of chores/errands on my plate lately and not enough time to relax and just enjoy things.

So...for today I'm cutting my To-Do list in half and going to have lunch with Josh at school. The rest of the must do things can wait until tomorrow. It's going to be raining all day anyway tomorrow so it will be good to stay in and knock things off my list inside the house...like my closet.

I have the worst habit in the world and 95% of people that know me would never believe it because I am so organized. When I come in each day I take off what I have on and throw it in the floor of my closet. Things pile up for about a week until John can't stand it anymore then I sort through what needs to be hung up, taken to the cleaners, throw into the laundry, etc.

This is completely out of character for me but I can't seem to break myself of it. I know it drives John crazy. I'm trying to make it a point each afternoon to not throw things on the floor of the closet but so far...failing miserably.

In other news, I had a job interview yesterday and was offered the job but I am going to turn it down. It is not at all a place I want to work and the salary is about $30K less than I was making. I know maybe I shouldn't be so picky but this would not be something I would stick with long term and I don't feel it would be fair to me or the employer to take it under those circumstances. We're doing fine right now so I'm going to just keep looking.

Now I need to get off the computer, vacuum the stairs and get ready to have lunch with Josh.

Hope everyone is having a great week so far.

P is for Pictures

Megan tagged me to do this fun game. I got the letter P so here are 10 things I love that start with P in no particular order. If you want a letter, leave a comment and I'll give you one.


Pizza...specifically from Gino's East in Chicago. I LOVE true Chicago style pizza so much that one Christmas my girls in Chicago shipped me 2. They came on Christmas Eve via Fed-ex on dry ice and they were heavenly...but not as good as being there and eating one fresh out of the oven with my friends.



My pudgy little Colin...look at those hocks!



Painting...I love to paint. Rooms in my house especially. This is one of my favorite things I painted...in Colin's nursery. A friend drew in the outline and I did the rest to match his bedding. Love how it turned out!



Posing...Josh and I like to take silly pictures. This is one from a few years ago that I really like.



Taking pictures. I took this one at Navy Pier in Chicago of Patrick, his friend AJ and my good friend, Erica on the swings.



Pirates. We took the boys to Walt Disney World for Halloween in 2007 and we all dressed up as pirates. SO much fun! You may have to click the picture to get the full view of our costumes. Josh was Davey Jones, complete with tentacles. John was Jack Sparrow.




Prayer. I have learned more about prayer and how much it means in my life in the last few years than all the others combined.



Puppet. Our last name was really hard for the kids in Josh's preschool class so they all started calling him Puppet which sounds a lot like our name. The nickname stuck and he still is Puppet to us at times.



Parenting. I love being a parent. It's hard and it's crazy and heartbreaking at times but there is nothing like it.



Naturally, if I have the letter P then Patrick is going to be on my list. Patrick is my heart in many, many ways. His biological dad and I divorced when Patrick was just over a year old and so it was me and Patrick on our own until I married John 3 1/2 years later. He's just like me...which is maddening at times but he is amazing.

Pizza Blast!

So last night I was able to go to the local middle school for an after hours event that was Christ centered. They had probably 300 kids there. Great band. Good magician. Good speakers. I had volunteered to help and I figured I would maybe take up tickets or help serve pizza. Something simple...something easy.

Oh, Abba Father, you had something different in mind. I showed up and was told I would be counseling kids who had made decisions or had questions.

WHAT? Not me! I'm not qualified to do that. What if I say something wrong? What if they don't like me? What if I don't make sure they get the answers they are looking for?

We had a crash course with one of the speakers for about 30 minutes on how this usually played out. After the event there would be an invitation...as kids came forward the counselors should come forward as well and just grab a group of kids and take them off to talk. You may have some kids that aren't making a serious decision...they are just walking up to the front. You may lose some kids in your group as they walk out and see the pizza set up and choose to walk in that direction. You may end up with kids who have tons of questions.

Lord, I am not ready for this.

I walk into the program and my knees are shaking. I look around at all these kids...high school age down to 4th and 5th graders. They look so different than kids did when I was in school. Some of them are talking and not paying one bit of attention. Some are obviously there as date night as they hang all over each other. Some are sitting alone and they look lost.

Where do I sit? Do I stand off to the side or just mingle with them? I decide to bravely walk right up into the bleachers and sit in the midst of them.

Bleachers aren't comfortable for a 33 year old lady after an hour and a half...just so you know.

I smile as they walk by me. I pray for them. I pray that God reveals himself to them in such a way they can't deny it is him.

About half way through the program I have a group behind me that are rowdy and won't tone it down. I finally decide I should say something but not be that overbearing adult so I lean back and say, "Hey, guys...if you would like to hang out in the hallway and talk I'm sure the pizza will be ready soon and maybe you don't need to hear this message but some of your friends might so I would really appreciate it if you could just tone it down a little. Still have fun and enjoy yourselves and certainly stick around for the pizza and the band...but I really need you to help me out and just be a little more toned down, Okay?"

They calm down and later I even see a few of them in the crowd of decision makers.

It ends and the invitation starts. I wonder how many kids are going to come down when all of a sudden waves of them are walking down.

I head down and approach 2 very young looking little girls and find out they need a counselor. They are in 5th grade and came because one of their older brothers invited them. We all start making our way to the choir room where we can get out of the mass throng of kids and I feel a tug on my sweater. An absolutely beautiful little girl with teared stained eyes tells me her and her brother don't have a counselor and they don't know what to do or where to go so I grab them up and take them with me.

I prayed with 4 kids, 3 who rededicated their lives to Christ and 1...the younger brother of the girl that stopped me...who made a first time decision to accept Christ.

Can you say I had an amazing night?

Thank you, Father for putting me where you did last night and for bringing me Ethan, Bella, Christine and Meigan. I pray you continue to work your will in their lives and that one day they will think back to a pizza blast event and a volunteer that loved spending that time with them.

My Freedom

If you aren't familiar with Krystal Meyers' song "Freedom" then go download it right now. Great song! Also, fantastic song to listen to at the gym.

Underneath this skin is a heart that's bleeding
Underneath that heart I'm waiting, and praying
Can You really feel what I'm feeling?
'Cause this world don't ask, it takes it steals

And can You feel this heart it's beating like a drum
It's beating it's calling out to You, will You come
And rain on this desert heart like only You can do?
Can you hear this soul is crying, my soul is crying
Calling out to You, will You come wash over me
Like only You can do, will You be my freedom?
Will You be my freedom?

When I am tempted to crawl back and hide my face
Will You wrap me up with love, truth and grace?
How'd I become the mess that I have made
I'm afraid to look you in the eye because of my shame

CHORUS

Will You be my freedom? Will You be my freedom?

How beautiful, yes it is
How wonderful to be set free

Can you hear this soul is crying, my soul is crying
Calling out to You, will You come wash over me
Like only You can do, will You be my freedom?
Will You be my freedom? Will You be my freedom?

You are my freedom

Why Me?

I had a non Christian friend ask me recently why I wasn't more upset about losing my job and why I wasn't questioning God on allowing this to happen to me.

I thought about it for a minute then I told her that in all the years God has blessed my life beyond belief I've never asked him "Why me?" so why should I in times of trouble and uncertainty?

I didn't ask God "Why me?" when all 3 of my children came into my life healthy and perfect.

I didn't ask God "Why me?" when his grace filled me completely after the affair and my marriage was saved.

I have never asked "Why me?" for all the friends that have come into my life and stood by me through thick and thin.

Never asked "Why me?" when we were so very blessed to find our church home and the things we have learned over the last few years there.

My faith would be shallow indeed if now, when things seem a little fearful, to start asking "Why me?"

I have days I'm scared but overall...I'm good. God's got this. I trust you, Father.

I have had such a great week. I've been able to spend time in God's word, met my husband at the gym twice, had lunch with a friend that I was disconnected from, had some time in my favorite place...out in my yard...working in the dirt. Been able to pick up Colin early each day from day care and walk up to the bus stop and meet Josh. Able to sit down and do homework with my boys each afternoon before John gets home.

Things I never had the time to do without stress and rushing around before.

Now I'm sure when I start checking my bank account I'll worry a bit but for right now, losing my job is the best thing that has happened for me.

We have started a new series at church about what happens when God gets personal and let me tell you...I'm right in it right now. Me and God are personal...not just an idea or a pleasant way to spend a Sunday morning. We are in a deep personal place and I'm loving it.

But not once am I asking "Why me?" If I'm going to open my arms up and accept all the wonderful things God has brought into my life then I'm for sure not going to start questioning him now. I know all things work together for good and for his purpose and his glory.

I might not know what page we are on in the playbook right now but I know how it ends...I will come through this okay and God will get the glory.

Thank you so much for your phone calls and emails and letters checking in on us. We appreciate your words of encouragement and your comments so much!