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Today has not been a good day. I'm not reacting well to most everything today.
It all started with my having to take 2 of the boys to the doctor...with no health insurance in place. I've never been in this situation in my life. Our new coverage won't start until April 1st and I was hoping against hope we wouldn't have to make any doctor visits until then.
Yes, I could go back and pay COBRA and it would be $1K each month. I just can't do that right now with no job certain. And yes, we could get insurance through John's job that has a $6K deductible. Yes...$6,000.
I also couldn't sit home and let the boys be sick and not do anything about it so I sucked up my pride and went to the doctor.
Once he came in I told him the situation and he was as nice as he could be. He's been our doctor for almost 13 years and I've never paid a bill late so he knows this is an unusual thing.
He sent the lady from the business office in and she told me they were only going to charge me a standard office visit ($120) for both boys and that I could pay it in portions if I needed to. I told her that $120 was great and I would pay it all today.
If you knew me in real life at all you would know I am not a crier. I hate to cry...I rarely do it. But the nurse was in doing oxygen tests on Colin and when the business lady came in and I started to tell her the situation I felt big huge tears rolling down my face and nothing I did made them stop.
It was just such a humiliating feeling...I know I did nothing wrong to lose my job and I'm doing everything I can to get a new one and to get our insurance back in place but to feel like I know thousands of mothers feel like every single day was humbling and sad.
I get home and then John tells me that effective March 15th everyone in his company is having to take a 7% decrease in salary.
I check my email and a well meaning old coworker sent me pictures from the birthday party they just had for the CEO of the company and all I could think was..."Why am I not there?"
Add to this the fact that it has rained cats and dogs and I'm afraid we have a leak in our roof that will just have to wait for now.
Add to this an email I get from one of my closest friends about some terrible stuff she is going through with her ex-husband, who is also a friend of mine and so deep in sin right now it's blinding him. I can't even get into it because it breaks my heart. It physically makes me hurt.
It is all just too much today. Add that to about 3 hours of sleep and I'm not my usual self.
Tomorrow I'll be back to being fully confident that God is in control and he will work this out for good and I'll see the lesson in this but for tonight? I'm so tired and all I know to do is take it to him.
My frustration. My sadness. Just pour it out and let him take it over. And even in this...God is STILL so good.
I truly don't know how people get through life without faith and without God.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say...Blessed be your name.
3 years ago
3 comments:
Kristin,
My heart is crying for you. You are in my prayers.
God is good all the time.
Amber
I know that it is difficult. As the months passed during the year my hubby was out of work, people used to constantly ask "Does he have a job yet?" and I always had to say "no."
I remember walking thru the grocery store and fighting back the tears. I was just so tired of being careful with money.
But you know, the Lord is amazing. Some days were difficult (especially when you're tired) but other days He enabled me to see it as a challenge and to make a game of saving money.
I also saw the many, many ways that He blessed us during that year. You will feel better after you are rested. Praying for you! (BTW, love the song! It's a favorite. When we are praising Him and blessing His name, then our enemy cannot attack us).
I am so sorry you had such a tough day. You and your family continue to be in my prayers. I am so thankful that you continue to see God's goodness during these difficult days.
I hope the boys get better quickly and that you have a blessed weekend.
Michelle
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