In preparing some of these Bible studies I'm working on I am working on a section about obstacles in marriage. I'm discussing several obstacles but two in particular: infidelity and temptations.
It bugs me that the majority of stories you hear or movies of the week are always focused on the man being tempted...the man having the affair...the man leaving his family. It is a stereotype that is not accurate. Women are just as capable of giving in to temptation and having affairs. It happens. Trust me.
You are probably familiar with the Casting Crowns song,
Slow Fade.
The first time I heard this song I swear it was written for me. It was creepy...like someone has your life under a microscope and knows exactly what is or has been going on.
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade...I never meant to have an affair. I honestly ignored all the signs and warnings until I was well in over my head and quickly drowning in deceit. I had an ideal husband. Thoughtful. Handsome. Smart. Funny. A good Dad. Helps me around the house...if I make him a list. And he would want me to throw in rippling muscles here too. :o) From all outside eyes we had a great marriage. Compatible. Spent lots of time together. Took fun trips. Went on dates. Everything seemed perfect. Then it wasn't.
The reason our marriage almost failed was the strongest example I personally have ever had of how Satan works in our lives at times. I was thisclose to losing my marriage and my family over what I thought were greener pastures.
Only when I turned it over to God did my circumstances change. Yes, I had to put in tremendous effort, but that beginning point…that surrendering to God is what started the ball rolling. Yes, there was hurt and immense pain, disappointment, anger, bitterness and an overwhelming sense of failure. But now I can say with complete certainty there is peace. I hadn’t had peace in such a long time. I have it now and I won’t do anything to jeopardize it again. My life is far from perfect but having peace again is something I value every single day.
I became close to someone in my office and a few conversations turned into long lunches, then spending more and more time together, then emails throughout the day, then an ongoing physical, emotional and mental affair. It got to the point I considered life without my husband and my children in order to continue to have this relationship. At one point I convinced myself that my children would actually be better off if I weren’t a part of their lives. This man had a wife and 2 wonderful children as well. Not only was I throwing away my children’s security and happiness but his children’s too. We had ourselves convinced it eventually would be better for everyone if we were together because then we would be so HAPPY. The myth of happiness that we let ourselves believe. The myth that Satan perpetuates in our minds.
My husband confronted me with my affair on 3 separate occasions and each time I begged his forgiveness. I cried. I pleaded. I made all sorts of promises. I swore it would never happen again and every single time I failed. And every single time he forgave me and we tried to put it behind us. We didn’t go to counseling. We didn’t pray about it. We just said we were going to be okay and then we went right on along the same path and we couldn’t figure out why we kept getting the same results. We would take a fantastic trip together, just the two of us, and think that was the way to get our marriage back in focus. And each time we ended up back at square one.
I put my marriage, my family, my career, my reputation and everything that mattered to me at risk for absolutely nothing. But, at the time, I thought it was everything and I couldn’t see past the facade of that relationship to see how much I was truly risking by being in it.
I remember walking in once on my husband, literally on his knees, praying after I had yet again broken my promises and yet again been found out. I don’t know exactly what he was praying for. The ability to forgive? Strength? Courage? I actually laughed at him and remember saying, “Good luck with that…it doesn’t work.” I had allowed Satan to have such a stronghold in my life that I didn’t even believe in prayer any longer.
I would be driving home after work or a business trip, after spending time with this other man and thinking that I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. I didn’t want to feel convicted about what I was doing. I didn’t want anymore guilt. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not have to think about the consequences or feel remorse. I asked God once to just let me go. I was so angry and disgusted that I shouted out loud in the car, “LET ME GO…LEAVE ME ALONE” and I heard a barely audible voice reply so kindly and patiently “I can’t.” I have never audibly heard the voice of God until this day. And I felt a warmth and a peace but I pushed it aside.
Again, I kept trying it my way. I quit my job to remove myself from seeing this person every day and within 2 days of leaving I was seeing him again even more than when we worked together. I couldn’t break this bond I thought we had no matter what I tried to do. We discussed plans for the future we thought we had and tried to figure out a way to minimize the damage we knew we were going to create.
After being confronted a third time by my husband and him telling me he couldn’t do it anymore and he was leaving me, I remember talking to God and saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t walk away from this other relationship even if it costs me everything. But, if you will help me get this person out of my heart and my mind and my life I’ll try but I can’t do it by myself. You have to help me.”
After I prayed this I made a decision to have no contact with this other person. I started out telling myself I would try to go a week and not call or email or see him. I honestly didn’t know if I could do it but I knew I was going to try and see what happened.
One week turned into a month…then 2 months then 6 months and so on. I made a promise to my husband that I would never hurt him like I had again and it’s a promise I intend to keep with God’s help.
We started seeing a counselor together and we made an effort to do what it took…whatever it took…to heal our marriage. And it took a lot. It was work. It was not easy in the least and it still isn't. It is a daily affirming of our comittment to our marriage.
Here we are a little over 2 years later and we are in a better place than we ever have been before. We are closer than we have ever been before. Yes, he still does things that I could break his neck for and I’m sure I do the same…but our stake is in the ground. We aren’t going anywhere. I begin my day each morning with a prayer thanking God for my husband, for my children and for peace again. I know with certainty he’s the only man I’ll ever love for the rest of my life and he’s the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Not everyone has to go through something like this to understand God’s faithfulness but I’m hard headed. I have to crash into that brick wall before I learn God’s lessons.
It’s my prayer daily that God continues to strengthen my marriage and makes me into the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.
I tell you all this to assure you there isn’t anything in your life right now that is bigger than God’s grace and God’s faithfulness.
He has so many blessings he wants to pour out into our lives but we prevent him from doing so by our choices and sinful nature. It’s only when we surrender and tell him we place our burden in his hands that we can begin to heal and begin to experience the life he wants for us. Sometimes it takes 2 years…sometimes longer…but God is faithful.
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