The Mother Letter Project

This was a very hard project for me to participate in but it was something I kept being led back to so I think I needed to do it.

If you are not familiar with The Mother Letter Project click on the button below.





Dear Mother,

The day I first found out I was going to be a mother I was so afraid. It was 2 days before my 21st birthday and I wasn't married. I remember driving to the house I grew up in to tell you and Daddy the news. You thought I was there to tell you I was getting engaged to the man I had been dating because the visit was so unexpected. I told you I needed to tell you something and you smiled at me and led the way upstairs. I dreaded every single step because I knew I was about to break your heart.

I told you the news and you cried. I couldn't even begin to think of how to tell my Daddy so you went downstairs and did it for me. And you told me years later that he cried too.

A few months after I broke the news to you I remember sitting at your kitchen table and I had been so sick. I had my head down and you asked me in a gruff voice what was the matter. I looked up at you and said, "Nobody is happy about this baby and it makes me sad because I should get to be happy...You should be happy."

From that moment on you treated my pregnancy and the baby in a different way. You began to tell people that you were going to be a grandmother with a huge smile on your face instead of acting as if we should hang our head in shame and not mention it.

You began to buy things for this new life and help me talk about it in a joyful way.

When my pregnancy took a turn for the worse and we were afraid of the outcome you were there with me at every doctor's appointment. When our precious Patrick was born you were there. You held his little 4 pound body and you loved him instantly. I think Patrick will always hold a very special place in your heart. Your first grandchild.

The second time I found out I was going to be a mommy I was happy. I had married a wonderful man and we weren't actively trying to have a baby but we weren't preventing it either. We had a uneventful pregnacy this time and you were so happy for us. Again, when our precious Josh was born...you were there and you loved him instantly.

The third time I found out I was going to be a mommy I was devastated. My life was in such shambles. I was so deep in sin and so far away from God. I had been having an ongoing affair and the baby was possibly a result of that affair. To cover up my sin I did the unthinkable and I had an abortion. Not a day goes by I don't regret that choice and grieve for the baby I don't have. After I got things right and God drew me back to him and poured out his grace on me I came to you and told you I had something to tell you. And...I broke your heart again with the news about the abortion I had. But...you were there.

The 4th time I found out I was going to be a mommy I sank to my knees and cried pure tears of joy as I said over and over again..."Thank you, Father God...Thank you."

We had been trying to have another baby and had prayed about it and whether or not it was God's plan for us. We had agreed to accept whatever God allowed to happen and that is why we didn't tell anyone we were trying to have another baby.

This time I wanted to wait and tell you at Thanksgiving but I couldn't hold it in. We were sitting in the parking lot of Wal-mart (of all places!) and I told you I had something to tell you. You almost didn't believe me and your face registered the shock of it when you realized I was serious. And you cried...wonderful tears of happiness that we were going to welcome in another little baby to our family. When our precious Colin was born...you were there.

I've made so many mistakes as a mother. Some I can work on correcting and some...I can never take back and I have to face that.

But, mother...you have always been there and I thank you for it.

You were not a perfect mother but you have loved me with a perfect unconditional love.

I hope I do the same to my children.

Love,
Kristin